My poem, Masquerade, published today on  The Metaworker.

I reveal the parts I want you to see you think you know me masquerade ugly thoughts inside my head mourning at the side of a haunted bed empty womb hands of red masquerade I smile as though I had n…

Source: Masquerade


Introducing Life, Upside-Down & Sideways

A few things about me:

Continue reading “Introducing Life, Upside-Down & Sideways”

Roundabout Communication

He comes in from mowing the lawn and says he’s just taking a break to get a drink. He looks around at the floor and asks if I’ve swept yet (because the floor looks pretty clean but there are a couple things here and there). And I say “well not yet”, we both look at his shoes covered with grass and I add “but I’d rather not have to”. And before I have five seconds to get up and say I’ll get him a drink, he turns around and starts to head back out the door saying, “I can wait till I’m done.” I get up and I’m like “I can get you a drink…” and he stops and says “oh OK” and I go and get him a drink and I’m like “why would you think I wouldn’t get you a drink?” This is my husband, not my son by the way. I was literally just sitting on the couch with a basket of clothes sitting in front of me that I was going to start folding but I was just on my phone. I mean he’s mowing the lawn, he’s hot and he’s thirsty.. I care. It’s just so fucking weird like he doesn’t come out and say stuff, he talks in a roundabout way. He could’ve just walked in and said “hey do you mind grabbing me a glass of water?” Here he’s been bringing me coffee all morning, cooking breakfast, he did dishes before he cooked breakfast while I was lounging with Sarah, and he took a load down to put in the wash and brought up the load I was getting ready to fold. He is out there mowing the lawn and what kind of person have I been for him to think I won’t get him a drink or he can’t ask me to get him a drink? And like everything is said in a roundabout way like that. And sometimes it’s like he’s trying to ask me for help or something with Sarah but he’s says it by saying something to Sarah. Maybe I’m more like a guy where you have to ask me things directly. I don’t get hints (or I do but hate having to read between the lines), but given five seconds I was actually going to get up and get a drink for him (and did).. The whole communication style is just irritating.  Was it always like this? I don’t think so. Did I train him to be like this? It’s like a mom and kid thing and it’s gross. I want a husband not a kid. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard women say that, too, but then they go on treating  their husbands like kids. Am I really that controlling?  Because I’ve always told him I don’t even like it when someone asks him to go do something and he says “well let me check with the boss” meaning me. I told him early on I’ve always hated that term and he doesn’t have to check with me to see if he can do something I mean yeah do we have plans already is a good question to ask if he can’t remember, but he doesn’t have to ask for my permission to go out and do something. I don’t expect to be treated that way myself either and he doesn’t treat me that way. I can pretty much do whatever I want.  But anyway the whole communication thing. I’ve just noticed a pattern and it’s really irritating to have to play guessing games to figure out what he wants even when it’s something as simple to figure out as a drink of water. Or maybe he took the water but he actually wanted a beer?

Why was PT never recommended after c-sections?

I’ve had three c-sections.I was looking up abdominal/core exercises for my fat pooch belly and finding stuff about the best and worst ones for women who have had c-sections (muscles no longer work and have to be retrained, don’t do crunches) plus scar massage to prevent or correct issues caused by improper healing and scarring of multiple stitched layers on the inside and correcting pelvic floor issues and problems from organs being moved around. Feeling a little pissed off now that doctors recommend physical therapy after every other surgery to get muscles back in working order but not once was it mentioned after any of my three c-sections. Watch for signs of infection, take your meds, don’t lift anything heavier than your baby or go up and down stairs for x amount of time. No PT or exercise recommendations. Not even in 2003 when Sarah was born. There was probably stuff on the Internet by then but all I was searching was ring chromosome 22 so I have no clue. Moral of the story I guess is sometimes you have to be your own doctor. Plus maybe don’t wait 13, 17, 25 years to look into surgery recovery. 😛

The Anti March For Whaaa?

I watched some videos from the Women’s March/Trump Protest and it seems like so many are brainwashed and jumping on the bandwagon without even knowing why they’re protesting. When a right alternative media person tried to ask questions of the crowd to find out what they were marching for, why they don’t like Trump, what they disagree with, there were average white girls saying he’s a white male so nuff said, or some used all the buzzwords – misogynist, racist, rapist (because even if he didn’t do anything, words matter) or hiding behind their signs saying “go away – if you’re a supporter, I’m not talking to you” instead of voicing the message they were there to spread. There was a lot of smirking, eye rolling, and condescending staring and eyelash fluttering, when they couldn’t think of an answer or when a hole in their argument was pointed out and they couldn’t back up their original statement. One answered a question with the question “when was America ever great?” I sure didn’t support Trump but I didn’t support Hillary either and this country is far from perfect. I do know, though, that as far as America goes, if you don’t know a single reason the US is actually pretty okay if not  “great” or how well you have it (especially if you’re one of these basic white girls with plenty of privilege), consider the facts that no one keeps you from getting an education, no one keeps you from pursuing what you want in your life, no one forces you to marry and stay home raising babies, no one mutilates your clitoris, no one forces you to cover your entire body including your face, no one owns you, rape is illegal, there are child labor laws and there are no kids working for pennies in THIS COUNTRY to produce your new iPhone. And I don’t know what most people have but birth control IS free with the health insurance my family pays for. And, fortunately for these young women, it’s illegal for anyone to wipe those disgusting smirks off their faces (equally as disgusting as the faces Trump makes). If you’re gonna march or protest or whatever, you should at least know what you stand for and why. This was not a march of love and peace. And this guy, like it or not, is now the president. He cannot act alone and do whatever he wants. I hope he actually surprises me and does a decent job. Why would anyone want him to prove them right and fail miserably? We’re all in the shitter if that happens. If anything sucks in this country it’s  all of the irrational people who can’t look at all sides and think critically and can’t think for themselves, just  follow the latest movement without a clue.