September 8, 2006 – Friday

List for the day
1. S. had her followup for her UTI and anemia and the doctor mentioned her anemia could just be from low iron and we’re going to try more RED meat for awhile (we’ve eaten a lot of hotdogs, keilbasa, and chicken on the grill this summer) and hopefully that works because another cause for anemia is KIDNEY FAILURE which I am very worried about. I sat out here looking up info about anemia and kidney failure online last night and of course bawling, reading up on dialysis (3 days a week, 2-4 hours each time) very depressing. I’m saving a kidney for her if she needs it one day (probably another reason I don’t drink anymore besides the fact that my hubby doesn’t anymore, so we spend time NOT drinking together.) S. goes to see her nephrologist Oct. 30.
2. Monday I get to go have my bottom wisdom teeth out. The left has been bothering me off and on for quite awhile and the past week it’s been swollen. I look and feel like I have a jawbreaker stored in my cheek so I’m gong to suck it up, bite the bullet (ouch), and – WOW – do something for ME for a change.
3. I need a new job—
a. I need to update my resume (progressively fewer responsibilities/ more money with each job – I can’t make that look good can I?)
b. I need flexibility for my kids (kids make you late, make you leave early – kids get sick)
c. I need to have my car to be accessible and not across town in a parking garage
d. I need more MONEY (mine’s decent but you always need more)
e. I need something less BORING – I’m losing skills and brain cells doing nothing but type all day. The only way I want to spend days upon days typing is if I’m a writer actually writing something I can sell.
4. I need to take advantage of the hospital and take some free classes in something.
a. Billing and coding? (advantage – work at home someday)
b. Surgical tech?
c. computer classes to work in IS? (advantage – IS in a different area – no bus shuttle)
d. This STILL is not writing which is what I actually want to do.
3. I feel like I need to put any moves I make on hold and wait until things smooth out in other areas of life (make sure S’s okay before I get a brand new job and then all of a sudden have to take lots of time off…)
4. Need to have a meeting with CDS and try to get S. into a better preschool program, something for her developmental needs, and she needs a PEC System because she doesn’t talk and signs a little bit – she’s learning – but she works well with pictures in speech therapy.
5. I need to write. Something fictional to escape reality? Something nonfictional to confront and deal with reality?
6. Oh, the good ole days of being a mom of one kid, working only parttime, making minimum or not much more than minimum, living in low income housing, drinking, smoking, and thinking life was SOOO tough, – what a young, dumb, idiot bitch I was! Should’ve stayed away from males, gone to college, worked my ass off, and become something when I was young.
Now, I have my husband, middle class income, house, 2000 model car, white picket fence, three kids, cat, (no dog yet) and along with all the good stuff is the worry that something will happen (mainly worries center around S’s problems), I won’t be able to work because I’ll have to take her to whatever all the time (since I am the driver), we’ll lose half our income, our insurance, my 401K, our house, my car will break down and die (although this will NEVER happen because it’s a Toyota!), and I’ll end up back in the low income apartments again, have to hang around the parking garage with the public transportation crowd waiting for the city bus (they’re a scary bunch – that’s where I wait for the work shuttle but ON THE OTHER SIDE of the entrance). What a nightmare! What’s the scariest is any of this can happen so easily to us, or anyone else.
7. Ohhh, to have time to have a life again. When I DID have time, I had no idea how much time I had to waste. (Yes, I am wasting time right now, but 10:00 at night is the only time I have to waste doing stupid crap like this and I can’t go anywhere – hubby’s working and S’s sleeping.)
8. Celebrity Duets was just on -SUCKS BADLY.
9. Janelle is not in the top two. BB SUCKS BADLY now. I don’t care who wins because boogie and erica are pigs.
10. My 14 year-old son went to the GOP headquarters in Bangor the other day after school for fun and decided to be a “right wing nut job” as he put it rather than a democrat, and he defaced my vehicle with a couple of bumper stickers – Olympia Snowe and some other numbass he idolizes now. He is the coolest nerd I know and I love him! And he is playing golf and actually has friends! I was beginning to wonder. He went with us to S’s appt the other day, and he brought his Civics book – not because he had homework, he’s reading it for fun.
11. J. had her first homework ever today and she did it right as soon as she got home, and she’s such a smart girl. She’s going to spend from the 15th to the 23rd with her dad and his family visiting from Texas for the wedding. J’s going to be a flower girl along with her cousin B., and M. will be her stepmom. I hope they make J. feel like SHE got married too like we did when R. and I got married. I guess technically, I’m invited to the reception because I’m going there to pick up J. so they can party and then leave for their honeymoon. M’s a nice girl, and I told K. I’m very happy for him, and I am – I just hope he doesn’t turn on me and try any shit once he’s married like trying to take J. off to Texas with him or to get sole custody of her. I’ve been very fair.
Okay, I thnk my brain is drained for now.

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