September 6, 2007 – Thursday

Kid Stuff
I try to get in touch/keep in touch with people, and it seems like all it ever amounts to is email (which, I am not complaining!) but just the day to day routine when we all get home at the end of the day – is hard to change. Weekends, R. is gone Saturdays and then having gotten up early to go in at 5 he is exhausted when he gets home, and S. is exhausting, so we’re both pretty beat and Saturday night is like okay I’m tired, time for bed (at 9:00!)or I just don’t have the energy to do more than sit at the computer. Then Sunday is our one “day”. I feel old. Life is so much different with S. than when the other two were her age. I didn’t know or appreciate and take advantage of the actual freedom I had back then!
I’m trying to work full-time (and I hate my job), trying to be a mom too (and I am finally comfortable with taking time off and saying “Mom is my first job” when before S., I would feel guilty about taking time off), trying to sell stuff on Ebay (it would be SO nice to quit my day job) and procrastinating about writing (which is what I really want to do for a living – but who the hell wants to read what I write!) And then there’s dealing with J.’s dad and stepmom – the stepmom who thinks every little quirk of J.’s is some serious problem. Once you have a child with special needs you listen a little more closely to the lecturing, nagging, yelling, nitpicking you have always subjected your other kids to about small stuff that really just doesn’t matter. At least your child CAN talk back, at least your child HAS an opinion, at least they are ABLE to sit still for more than 4 minutes, at least they are ABLE to find something to do on their own, at least they no longer NEED to put things in their mouth, at least your child is ABLE to feed herself with a fork, ABLE to run around the house without falling, ABLE to listen, understand, and obey! This is not to say I don’t still nag, but I just think about it more afterwards and sometimes even before!

My daughter’s stepmonster is a superbitch from HELL! GOD!! I HATE her! GGGRRRRRRRR!
I hope when we have J’s feedback appt. Dr. S. lets M. know right up front first thing that J. DID NOT EVEN DRAW M. in the family picture she was asked to draw! (I didn’t want that piece of info to come from ME.) She drew her dad, R., and T. on one side, and the cats, S., and I, and J. herself on the other side and didn’t even give a thought to M. (even when prompted if she got everybody) and that SOOOO f-ing satisfies me! She nitpicks every little thing J. does. Anal f-ing bitch pisses me off! She emailed me this morning wondering if I’ve noticed J’s new excessive sniffling – “Does she have allergies? a cold? is this some new tic she’s started doing?” She got so annoyed by J.’s constant sniffling lately (allergies I guess) that one night at supper she got up from the table and ate in the livingroom because she just couldn’t take it anymore. Try scarfing down supper while your child screams, gets up, and runs around the table the whole time! THAT’s what I get at supper with S.! Talk about NO TOLERANCE! Then, I tell K. that J’s open house at school goes from 5 to 6. The plan is for me to take J. from there. I didn’t even begin to promise I would be there right at 5 because that just wasn’t likely to happen. I wanted to get out by 4:20 but ran late at work with something that came up – an abnormal lab-and had to wait for a fax and get the message to the doctor. So I didn’t get out until 4:40, then had to pick up S. on Stillwater, then go to Walmart to pick up R., so by the time I got to the school and go in and look for J. and her dad, they are not in the classroom so I turn around and there’s M., “Jamie’s not in here. We’ve been waiting for half an hour.” Oh, well sorry about that MISS F-ING… EAT MY SHIT! They were in talking to J’s teacher from last year. They already met this year’s teacher and toured the classroom. THEY’VE already BEEN here for HALF an HOUR. “She IS going with YOU right, so we HAD to WAIT…” Sorry I’m not social worker at a school and I don’t get out of work at 3:00. I work for clinics where we get last minute urgent calls about LIFE THREATENING things! AND I have other people to pick up at the end of the day. And I don’t like feeling like I’ve been SCOLDED by some little snooty 20-something bitch who thinks she’s the queen of all f-ing rosy SHIT who wouldn’t know how to be a decent stepmother to my daughter if the “Handbook on Being a Stepmother to J.” fell out of the f-ing SKY! This shit is on top of the time M. pretended to be asleep to see what J. would do (rather than spending time doing something with her) and then punished J. for stealing – of all things – CHAPSTICK!!! – which J. took out of M.’s purse and hid on her while she was laying there PRETENDING to be asleep to see what J. would DO! HELLO! Stupid f-ing bitch – and you’re a SOCIAL WORKER!!! Yeah right! I say find another profession honey. And don’t even THINK about having kids of your own!!! I don’t have a problem with J. rummaging through my bag – I just don’t care. And for CHAPSTICK! She’s a girl! And on top of that, she was playing a game! She was trying to get some attention which she clearly was getting NONE of! You don’t have a CLUE!!!! BITCH!!! GRRRR!!!

Disclaimer: My apologies to those who read this and are appalled that I would use all of this nasty language – mom. Yes, I use every word in the book when I am thinking – and writing to get it all out so I can have that sweet, smiley, phony demeanor that we all use in person to pretend that everything is just peachy keen for J’s sake. We are all one BIG HAPPY FAMILY! (Gag)

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