Holy Emo-ness

Sitting here on Wednesday morning, home sick from work day #2. I’ve had this nasty cough for, well this is day #10. It started when I was on the countdown to a trip to Vermont
 to spend a couple of days with a friend I haven’t seen in 17 years. Monday I started getting a cough. Tuesday and Wednesday I was coughing but it was still tolerable and I was hoping it was something that would be mild and pass on. I was supposed to get out of work at 2:00 and leave from there on Thursday the 16th. Well, I ended up leaving work at 11:00, going home, and crashing. I had already had the PEP day planned for Friday so I still took that day off. Saturday was crappy. Sunday I thought I was feeling a bit better and took the kids to the beach. Tyler drove, the directions I printed off were shit so we got lost but ended up finding it though (1 hour turned into 2 hours). We stayed for about 20 minutes, MAYBE half an hour. I held Sarah’s hand wading in the water, walking back and forth up and down the length of the beach (which was rocky and the sandy area for the kids to make sand castles – no, it was like gravel), Jamie swam along with us a bit, and Tyler stayed on the grass and read a book. We left, came back home, and that’s when I realized I lost my phone. I looked everywhere for it and couldn’t find it. So I borrowed Tyler’s phone and texted my phone “If you find this phone at Swan Lake, please call 989-xxxx”. Well, about an hour later I got a phone call. Someone had found my phone and they said they would have it at the entrance booth for me. We ate supper and then decided to venture back to Swan Lake to get my phone. Ron and Jamie wanted to come along, Sarah came of course, and Tyler decided to stay home. It took me 45 minutes to drive there. I pulled up the the booth, nobody was there, and it was locked up. The hours are something a.m. to sunset. It was still quite sunny out, so I was not impressed. There were no cars in the upper parking lot but I decided to drive down to the lower lot. There were a few cars still there, so Ron got out and went looking for someone who might work at the state park and might be able to get into the booth. About 20 minutes later, he returned with my phone. Okay, so Monday I went to work. Had a few hacking fits and thought several times that I should go home. I got into a coughing fit on the phone with a patient and had to choke out the words “let me call you right back” and hang up on them. At least it was a “regular” and they seemed pretty understanding. The boss came and checked on me and said at 2:45 I could leave and I will have put in my 6 hours so it wouldn’t be logged as an unexcused absence. Great. I was going to take her up on that then I got a couple of phone calls and ended up getting a couple of things I really felt like I had to handle and not put off to who-knows-when. So I left regular time. I took Tuesday off, took Sarah to school and came home, got on Facebook for a bit then took some meds and laid down. I think I slept some. Didn’t have any coughing spells and thought I’d be fine by today. But last night all I freakin’ did was cough. I got about an hour of sleep and it was after 4:00 this morning. So I called in again, took Sarah to school, and came home. I’ve been sitting at the computer and just had some breakfast. Now, I basically just sit at a computer all day at work, but I actually have to think and talk to people sometimes. It’s when I start talking that I get into a gagging coughing fit. As much as I hate that I’m sick, I like being home even though I feel like shit. Every time I have a day off like this (and haven’t crashed yet, like I should be right now) I spend it racking my brain trying to figure out what I can do so I can quit my job. I hate my job. I could think of a million better ways to spend my day, none of which is apt to make the house payment though. This sounds really spoiled maybe, but it kind of sucks to have been at a job for 8 years and be making – I will say it, I don’t care – roughly $18/hour doing boring or tedious shit that I know is not worth that much for me to do and being unable to find anything different (or even similar) in the BDN listings for anything that isn’t half that much. I have basically been told point blank by hubby that I can’t quit my job and get a different one even if I am miserable because I make too much money – we need my money or our budget goes all to hell. Do I want to lose the house? Do I want to lose everything? It really pisses me off. He was supposed to be farther along in his job by now. By the time Sarah starts school (this fall) he was supposed to go into the management program and be making double what he is now so I could go to part-time and be home with her after school, even before fall so I could go to her preschool sometimes and see what her therapists are actually working on with her. Of course there are times I just want to get away from that too. I go through these phases or moods. It would be helpful if he could drive. I can’t be the major “breadwinner”, the chauffer, the mother, the wife, and he does his fair share, maybe more, of the laundry and cooking, but when the real house cleaning happens it’s me who does it. Sometimes I just don’t want to be mom anymore or be anyone anymore. Just yesterday I was thinking about how I would love to run away and live in a treehouse somewhere. I know, crazy. On a beach. Where it never gets cold. Someone is there with me too and it’s not Ron. And there’s no work, no kids, no internet, no nothing except lying on the beach, walking on the beach, paddling a canoe or boat of some sort in the water, out to an island (or another island – I’m not sure I’m on an island to begin with), hiking mountain trails, having lots of great sex everywhere – the beach, the woods, the mountains, on the deck of treehouse, in the treehouse, and sitting out on the deck reading, writing, drawing. I would be happy with lots of books, and writing and drawing supplies, maybe some painting supplies too. I have just been stressed and miserable. I will just start bawling out of nowhere lately for no apparently reason sometimes – just a thought that crosses my mind or a song that comes on – I’ve done this in my office at work, in the car (a lot in the car), at home. The one time I make plans to go off on a trip by myself, I get sick. I haven’t been sick all year. I think everything on my mind is wearing my immune system down, and wearing me down. I’m tired. I am just not where I want to be, not doing what I want to do, and am not who I want to be, and I’m 36 – 37 in September woohoo, can’t wait. Wow, somehow when I sit down to write a blog or anything it starts out intending to be about one thing and I go off on a tangent about my miserableness. I must be a 36 year-old emo. God. Why can’t I just be happy? Or even content and satisfied?

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