Nightmare

Sarah’s been getting up every night between 1 and 2 am and then getting up early, around 5-5:30. Last night she woke up at 1:30 soaked, I changed her and brought her to bed with us, and she took forever to get back to sleep. Then she was awake a little past 5 and we managed to keep her in bed until 5:45. Ugh. Then she was ready to go to school by 6:45 and we can’t take her until 8. So for that long, while Ron was trying to get ready for work and I was just feeling dead and didn’t want to do anything but drink my coffee, she ran back and forth trying to get us to walk with her, screaming and banging on the door to go out, pulling me up off the couch where I’m trying to just wake up, wanting to pull me into the kitchen so I’ll stand there so she can walk circles around me. Hitting. Screaming. Throwing herself down on us. Running back and forth, banging on the door. This is my life when Sarah is home and I am just so exhausted. So many times I just break down and feel like I can’t do this anymore. I didn’t ask for it. Didn’t want it. Can’t do it. I’m so glad she has a home visit on Friday from her doctor so I can just let her know how badly everything is going even with her med dose back up again. I don’t know what we’re going to do but I just can’t do this much longer. She hits us, hits her older sister – not always seeming to be out of anger or frustration, but just because she hits people as she walks by them. And she hits hard. It really hurts, and Jamie and anyone else here should be able to sit and relax without having to be on guard, worrying that Sarah is going to suddenly lash out. She’s 4 years younger than Jamie and almost as big as her. I sooo worry about this behavior continuing and worsening as she gets bigger and bigger, and not being able to deal with her at all. She’ll overpower me. She’s going to end up in a residential facility eventually, and honestly, I’m counting down. I can’t wait. I feel bad about that, but I just cannot take this. This is one of those really bad days where things have just been building up for awhile and this morning just totally broke me. I get to the point where I can’t even move. I just sit here and zone out and just start to cry while she’s trying to pull me up, hitting at me, screaming, goes to the first thing she can find and throws it, tries to bust through the kitchen gate. It’s always a relief to get her to school for the day and then know that dayhab will have her after school. Sounds like I don’t have her much but I make up for it on the weekend when all she gets its 4.5 hours each day of dayhab. And summer. There’s no news yet about summer school program. Last year she only had school for two half-days a week and only in July. I’m a 38 year-old woman and there are some days I just want to run away. Life feels like a recurring nightmare.

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