I am a person so I need a job. I have strengths, I have weaknesses, but mostly I have good days, bad days, make mistakes, fix them, all is good, equilibrium is restored in the world and life goes on, and I come back tomorrow and do it all over again. Coworkers? I tolerate them. Supervisors? Yup.
Guess what? I even took the time to finally get a degree so I’d have a piece of paper to show you I can do more than Secretary. Except that I’m not sure I can. I’m not sure the 71 college credits I have actually mean anything other than, “Hey, I finally reached a goal for once. ”
I took tests at a staffing agency which indicated to me that I have not learned nearly enough in these introductory crash courses I’ve taken at UMA to do what they told me I’d be prepared to do.
Here I am applying for fancy-sounding jobs. Part of me has this trumped up view of myself and my “skills” thinking that going back to college at my age in addition to my past work experience would show my drive and determination to succeed through continuous self-improvement. Then part of me feels I have a case of Imposter syndrome and I wonder what the hell I think I’m doing applying for fancy-sounding jobs anyway. Me? A “professional”? Ha. I’m still just a timid pizza counter girl in the 90’s messing up orders and spilling stuff. I have no business wanting to do better in life. What am I thinking??
So today I was called out. They found out I’m an imposter. I’m unqualified to design websites, to code them or heck, even manage the projects and be the liason between clients and Web developers because I don’t have experience telling people what to do and when to have it done or managing budgets (except at home, where I’m more “The Boss” than Bruce Springsteen). I’ve only scheduled appointments (much more than that as my resume shows but I was not able to explain and was cut right off mid-sentence).
And apparently I’m not an introvert. Oh, okay. This conclusion must have been drawn because I get loud, chatty and humorous when I’m nervous but aware I’m supposed to be extraverted and personable. Honestly, I think I over do it and feel a bit ditzy. Underneath that, I feel intimidated easily and am unable to verbally sell myself face-to-face. Showing my sense of humor and keeping you laughing is just a deflection. It’s a coping mechanism. Trust me. I’m much better at expressing myself in print, see? I have the written communication skills down. I think. I don’t know. Maybe that’s just my crazy perception, too.
The thing is, I’m told “you’re no introvert” and then in the next breath, I’m made to feel like I must be too much of an introvert for a particular job, and am asked why I would want to put myself in a position like that.
I clearly need to get to know myself better so I’m less inclined to give other people the opportunity to tell me who or what I am.