Fine

When I said “Fine”, what I meant  was:

Actually, I’ve been dealing with Sarah’s moodiness, clinginess, lack of appetite, and belly ache from having her first real period the last few days (first couple were one diaper/one day, months apart) but she napped on me this afternoon and ate well tonight. In addition, I’ve been dealing with my own symptoms of not feeling well – mentally or physically, queasy stomach, headache. You don’t believe I could possibly be going through this because I’m too young and you get butt hurt and say you’ll just keep your mouth shut when I clearly don’t want to hear the “Oh you’re not getting old” platitude. So then you decide not to comment at all when I try to  talk about it, when really all I needed you to do was acknowledge I’m going through this and not make me feel abnormal or like a useless old rag now or something because I can’t possibly be going through it already, because your mom didn’t go though that till whatever age.  You don’t wake up one day and you’re in menopause, it’s a process.  Maybe your mom didn’t have symptoms or she hid them well.  I’m not your fucking mom, Jesus.

Don’t be sorry. I feel like every time you say something, I’m in opposition or say something that makes you try to cheer me up (which doesn’t)  or pity me.  I feel like whining but also feel like I’ve worn out my welcome to whine to you and I’m so tired of feeling like shit and not talking about it or talking about it and spreading my shitty feelings around.  You always hope I slept well, hope my day was okay, and more and more I have to think about whether to say what I’m really thinking or just say fine and spare you. So I’m just going to say fine from now on and save reality for my blog or something. Maybe it would be easier if you didn’t ask and just assumed it’s crap unless I have anything better to tell you. It’s probably getting to where you’re wondering if anything you say is going to rub me the wrong way.  I know I’m at the point where I wonder if something is going to evoke pity or platitudes, so maybe I should keep it to myself.  My head is fucking killing me and I want to puke.  And I would much rather be able to get in the mood for Halloween. 

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