How much longer can I live like this? I’m alone with her all weekend. Nights, she falls asleep and I go to bed after a little while, by 10. I can’t even try to fall asleep before then. Between midnight and 5 am, she wakes up three times average. And each time I get up with her, I can’t get back to sleep before she gets up again. The last time which will be anywhere between 3 and 5, I have to actually get in bed with her or she won’t go to sleep again. Bed hog that she is, I end up half off the bed, her body half on mine, neck and back killing me, one arm falling asleep, one arm hanging off the bed. So needless to say, she’s the only one who gets back to sleep and she moves constantly. So I’m a wreck. I can’t live like this. I can’t sleep during the day. I tried to get to sleep after I had a breakdown and came back in the bedroom at 5 to get Ron to take over. Sucks for him since he works 11-11 shift but oh well. He can nap after she gets on the bus. It takes nothing for him to fall asleep. I know I won’t. Walmart/retail/pretty much anything but the 9-5 M-F type of job schedule fucking sucks for families. Thanks commercialism/consumerism. Thanks feminism. Really fucking sucks beyond sucking for our family. That and EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND. His schedule makes me hate him. Sarah’s sleep schedule makes me a tired lazy depressed mother who never wants to do anything. How in fuck am I thinking I’ll work a “mothers hours” job?? (M-F 8-2 interviewed for Friday and think I have it but how am I going to do that?) What a joke. I am so tired of hating my life. I am so fucking tired of living. I am just plain fucking tired.
Published by Laurie
It isn't easy being the parent of a child with special needs (youngest of three kids), let alone being in my mid - 40's. I have my ups and downs. I try to do all I can for her but I’ve put my life and goals on hold several times and I’ve realized I have to do things for myself to be the best I can be for her. I have times when I feel like she is the best thing in my life because she taught me unconditional love and patience. But I also go through bouts of feeling like a wedge has been placed between myself and my dreams and I feel hopeless. These are some of my thoughts, goals, achievements, rants and breakdowns as Sarah’s mom. The caged bird sings with a fearful trill of things unknown but longed for still and his tune is heard on the distant hill for the caged bird sings of freedom -Maya Angelou View all posts by Laurie