I’m just having a cry day. That’s what I’ll call it. Cryday. I cried all night. I got up, took a shower, cried some more, got dressed, cried some more. Ate, had some coffee, cried some more. Iced my eyes. Took some ibuprofen. Iced my eyes some more. Rehearsed over and over in my mind a phone call I would make to cancel my meeting.
I kept myself from making the call and forced myself to go. I went to RMH looking like a puffy wreck. I got a tour, filled out a confidentiality form and a background check form. And I should be getting set up with a training day next week and access to the online schedule where I can plug myself in for volunteering shifts.
It may just be volunteer work, but I need something. It’s like the stuff I listen to through the day and fall asleep to so I don’t have to be alone with my thoughts. I do okay keeping a positive mood but then something like last night triggers me and I go all to hell.
I need a reason to take a shower instead of lying around the house in yesterday’s clothes, crying all day. I’ve spent far too many days over the last couple of years doing this. I might wash and blowdry my hair and put some deodorant on if I need to be halfway presentable for some reason.
Otherwise, whatever. I would lie around thinking about what a failure I am, where I went wrong in life, what I should’ve done differently, why I feel so alone, why my kids hate me, why I have a child with special needs. I would lament about my limitations in being able to find and keep a full-time job and care for Sarah, find a job in the field I went to college for. Why can’t I do things I enjoy instead of only catering to everyone else’s needs and driving everyone everywhere.
On and on the thoughts swirl around. I broke down in front my husband more than once but usually keep it to myself. At one point I said (cried, screamed) that I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be here. I want to run away. My kids hate me, I’m a failure, a horrible wife, horrible mother, I don’t even want to be here anymore. I’m done. I don’t want to live anymore.
Something had to change.
That’s when I started looking for something to quiet my mind and found sleep hypnosis videos on YouTube that I would listen to to help me drift off to sleep at night. I looked for videos about positive thinking and motivation. I found the video, “The Shift”, which led me to other Wayne Dyer videos on YouTube like “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life” and audio on SoundCloud like “101 Ways to Transform Your Life”. I’ve listened to these during the day and I’ve fallen asleep to them at night. They have been extremely helpful.
I had begun to make a master calender of potential things for us and the BHP to do with Sarah but also added in things to do with Jamie, things to do by myself and possible date night things if Ron and I ever get the opportunity. I decided if I wanted to do more than sit around the house–and really it came to the point of if I want to LIVE–only I can make myself do anything.
So while waiting to see if my references come though for me and I get this job I interviewed for a few weeks ago, I decided to line up some other things to get me moving in the morning. Another piece of this is that in an interview for a different job I didn’t get, they asked me what I’ve been doing since I graduated from college last May. I didn’t really have anything to say other than being a stay at home mom, blogging, and applying for jobs. Whether or not I get this job I’m waiting on, at least next time I’ll have more to say about how I’m keeping busy in my down time.
So with listening to the videos/audio, going to the Y and the UU, I’m working on improving myself and feeling better. With RMH, Literacy Volunteers (informational session tonight), and possibly the other two in some capacity, I’m trying to focus on things outside of myself and help other people, which, when you feel their appreciation, makes you feel better as well.
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