Almost a year ago, I finally found myself in a better place after many years of dealing with depression and I still work on myself every day.
I blamed it on circumstances in life that I saw as being beyond my control. Being a mother of a child with special needs who needs 100% care, wife of a husband who doesn’t drive and has an ever changing work schedule, nights, weekends, crazy around the holidays. A teenager–nuff said.
I felt trapped in my life with no way out, no way to have a life outside of home and family. I hated my life. Hated my husband. I wanted to leave, disappear. I wanted to die. I said as much to my husband more than once. I had enough.
I pushed people away (and found they didn’t push their way back in), ended friendships and potential friendships. Deleted Facebook more than once. Lost touch with family. Had a falling out with my sister stemming from arguments/debates on Facebook about every topic we disagreed on (everything) and then an anti-Christian post around holiday time she took offense to because she is in fact Christian while I was decidedly atheist or at least agnostic. I just didn’t care who I offended or how. My opinion is what it is.
I joined an atheist group on Facebook and all they talked about was God, which I thought was kind of stupid. I toyed with Wicca which felt pretend, read up on other types of (what I viewed as real) witchcraft because it fascinates me. I listed out numerous examples of events I felt I manifested with my thoughts or predicted. And I mean tragic things like car accidents, my daughter’s chromosome disorder, and positive things like jobs I’ve gotten. I’ve also always kind of thought every bad thing that happens to me might just be my karma, too. My older daughter had a scare last year where she was really sick, was found to have a hemolytic anemia, and had to have a bone marrow biopsy to test for different types of blood cancers that could cause it and when I was waiting for results the whole weekend, I cried and screamed and prayed that anything she has be put in me instead. It was the longest wait ever. Results were negative and since then, I’ve been waiting for something to crop up in me. Left breast hurts every so often, all my joints hurt, I’m doubled right over in hip/butt/back pain in the morning now.
In my depressed state, I tried to no avail to get a job with my new computer info systems degree. My plan to get a really good paying job in that field at a local hospital or remote and let Ron work less backfired. My degree was a waste. My depression worsened. I had long been spending days in bed after getting kids to school. Went days without showers. Winter just made it worse. I cried at the drop of a hat at any random time. Picked arguments.
I finally talked to my doctor about it and blamed it on a pattern I figured to be premenstrual and maybe worsened with perimenopause. She determined I had PMDD and prescribed Prozac. I barely took it. I somewhat felt better knowing I had it if I needed it but didn’t really want to take it. I eventually bought some St. Johns Wort to try. Didn’t really get in the habit of that either.
I started listening to sleep hypnosis videos on YouTube every night to help with falling asleep. Then I found ones for specific problems, such as depression. Then I started listening various law of attraction videos and different philosophers and gurus of positive thinking, harnessing universal energy etc. I found Wayne Dyer, whose talks and movie The Shift really turned me around. I listened repeatedly, every night to fall asleep, every day after the kids went to school, every weekend day. Change your thoughts, change your life, living the Tao, and the power of I Am were my “church” on Sunday. I downloaded 101 Ways to change your life and started listening to it every night. I recited “I am ____” in my head (all of the things I wanted to be –happy, healthy, fit, prosperous, etc.) I felt better and better.
Ron got put on overnights once again and I took it in stride this time. I reminded myself nothing is permanent. I started searching for jobs again and decided on looking for something parttime. I took up volunteering at a couple of different places–taught adult literacy–and joined the ymca. Not long after, I ended up getting a really good job with perfect hours and an awesome manager.
Since then, things have gone downhill and uphill again with Ron and his job. Services for Sarah have stabilized in one area, and not in another, but things are good. I read up on the Tao some more, and buddism and Hinduism. Thinking about both some sort of spirituality–to the extent of all of us being parts of one nonsentient energy source–and physical health, I listened to Bruce Lipton’s The Biology of Belief,which was pretty fascinating so I bought the book. And now I’m on a kick researching my ideal diet based on my blood type diet (A), but eliminating thyroid disrupting and high leptin foods as well as nightshades…as I eat the last of the cookies and milk (because the pumpkin and pecan pies are already gone 😛).
I started going to a few meetups to get to know new people and to the Unitarian Universalist Church for the church–like atmosphere but I really get more out of YouTube videos. I’m more open minded though about “all paths”. I hope to try to make some more connections and get into more activities. I went to a coffeehouse open mic there once. Went to a coffee social after service and a lady told me about choir and Women with Wings. I feel like I’m in a good place right now. I still cry at the drop of a hat sometimes, but mostly premenstrual, not in despair.
Now that Ron’s schedule is normal for the moment I played with the idea again of joining roller derby. I really wanted to try it back a couple of years ago but there was no way I could do it with his schedule. Now… For now. Maybe. Also the Y routine. Of course now it’s winter again and I won’t feel like going out anywhere for anything. Good time to get back to painting and writing. I just have to force myself to do things. It’s almost time for New Years list making.