Thin Fat

This video isn’t as funny as it is just kind of sad and really relatable this past month as I’ve been contemplating the decision I made to accept a job at a medispa/plastic surgeon’s office. I was not excited about starting my new job. I had a bad feeling from the get go but I ignored it. At this new job – where they actually do the “plastic and poison in the face” this comedienne speaks of and many other such things like freezing away annoying fat bulges – a co-worker actually made a comment to the effect that women want to look a certain way based on standards set in women’s magazines, and we cater the that. The co-worker said this is her passion. And here I’ve been trying to get in shape going to Zumba and such. Trying to eat healthier. I don’t believe in botox, coolscupting, cosmetic surgery, or $150 anti-aging creams. I believe in drinking water, eating fruits and veggies, exercise, relaxation, sleep, having fun. I would never want to admit at work that I’ve used coconut oil and olive oil on my skin or that once I did a 6 months or so trial of using baking soda and vinegar in place of shampoo and conditioner. I’ve been at odds with myself ever since before I even went to the interview. I had told a friend “I don’t think I can work there on principle”. But then the interview seemed to go well. I got the offer. The money was decent. I figured I’d learn a lot of new and interesting things and maybe I’d feel differently about it all, get used to it. I had felt bad about my looks and my skin all through middle school, high school, and most of my twenties. Then I had a beautiful daughter. I finally started to see my own beauty reflected in her and feel comfortable with my looks. I had another beautiful daughter and I felt even more ok. I let my hair grow out gray for a year and felt pretty good about it until I got this job and felt like the gray made me look older and this place is about looking younger and suddenly I decided to dye my hair before I started the job. I bit off all of my nails after peeling off the acrylics I got to try to quit biting. I will never have the cheerful, outgoing, customer service voice to greet clients and discuss the best defense cream with them, or put them at ease about getting the laser treatment by describing my experience to them. This is someone’s dream job. The social interaction, the half price products and free or at cost services. Someone out there would be elated to have these perks – the laser Brazilian, armpit, and leg hair removal, the chemical peels, the lip filler and botox – but not me. I can’t fake interest for a paycheck. I can’t sell what I’m not interested in let alone passionate about, and especially what doesn’t align with my own personal values. I’ve felt uneasy about my decision to pursue and accept this job because in doing so, I have not been true to myself.

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