I get depressed. I miss what barely was, what never was – I don’t know. I feel crazy. I feel regret, resentment, alone, weird. More than dysfunctional. What is better, dysfunctional or non-existent? My childhood was filled with inconsistency. I’m remembering a holiday spent at my grandfather’s (mom’s dad), a couple at my mother’s boyfriend’s family, a couple at my grandmother’s (dad’s mom), some at my stepfather’s family (later – not the boyfriend from before). In adulthood, one at my mother and next stepfather’s house. A few at my first in laws, a few at my second in laws. (Neither actual legal “in-laws”.) Never the same. Never a cohesive group of people I have a lifetime connection to to this day. The fondest memories I have are blended vague memories of holidays at my paternal grandmother’s and days at my dad’s. And I think it’s because of the music. Music tends to help imprint memories and trigger those memories later. It’s the whole soundtrack of life thing. This time of year, I tend to listen to the music I remember from those times with my dad. Arlo Guthrie, Alice’s Restaurant. City of New Orleans. Crosby Stills Nash and Young. Allman Brothers. Little Feat. Marshall Tucker Band. Eric Clapton. Fleetwood Mac. Then there’s Buffalo Springfield, For What It’s Worth, but I think I first heard that on the Muppet Show. I try look up the band my father took my sister and me to see when we were little. We were sitting at a bar sipping non alcoholic cocktails and I felt like such a grown-up. I brainstorm and google whatever keywords I can think of – I’m pretty sure I’m thinking of a Canadian trio that begins with M and somehow end up listening to Quarterflash. This is totally not the band I was trying to think of but something about the name… I can just hear a few bars of one of the songs in my head – the guitar not the words tho. The words are right on the tip of my tongue. I start trying to Google again when Devonsquare pops into my head. There it is! Quarterflash-Devonsquare. Close right? The other day, we were eating dinner and Sarah finished, stood up, and kind of hovered over me. Ron called her an eagle. I said “eagle eye Sarah”. Then my brain thought “Eagle Eye Cherry”. And then I started humming, “Saaave tonight. Fight the break of dawn. Cooome tomorrow – tomorrow I’ll be gone…”
This post is how my brain works.
I began this post on Thanksgiving and today is Saturday. I’ve spent the morning watching YouTube, listening to a guy who preaches losing weight and curing cancer by fasting and a girl who did it for 54 days, then Jordan Peterson, Gary Vee, and some guy with a Ted Talk on procrastination trying to find something that will give me the magic answer of what to do with my life.
I think I had a shower Thursday. It’s 2:12 on Saturday. Really need to shower and get ready for my son and his girlfriend to bring dinner over. I need to start my diet and workout again after this weekend.
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