Purpose, perimenopause, winter

So this time of year, winter (some will argue it’s not winter yet, but as far as I’m concerned it’s f****** freezing out and we have had snow, it’s winter), seems to be the time I overthink everything. I hate the way my body looks. I’ve gained so much weight, especially since hitting 40. I am constantly watching videos on YouTube about nutrition, different diets, fitness trying to find the secret key to getting where I want to be. My moods have always been an issue, but it seems the last few years, I just cry at the drop of a hat over I don’t even know what. Like I’m doing that right now as a dictate this post into my phone using voice to text. When it gets cold out I eat too much, and things are shouldn’t eat. I don’t work out and I had gotten into a decent habit getting out three to four times a week to work out. I tried quitting coffee which lasted almost a couple of weeks. I’m drinking coffee again. Those were the couple of weeks that I had started doing really well when intermittent fasting and only eating at lunch time and dinner time. This new job I started in October hasn’t helped any and that’s been stressing me out. But I think things are better now. It’s been nice to hear some acknowledgement that they know things are hard with all of the new people there and it’s been nice to hear some appreciation for the work I’ve been doing. This past week was really good compared to the few weeks before that. I don’t think I’m going to spend today trying to figure out how to get out of going to work Monday (or ever again) like I have the last few Sundays. I’ve had a hard time reconciling how I feel about the services we do at our office (cosmetic surgeries and procedures), what I believe in, and how I feel about myself, & other people’s choices to buy the services for their own self-image and confidence. I’m trying to tell myself that I need the paycheck, and while this isn’t my dream job, this is a good enough job so I can afford to do other things that I feel are my true purpose. Whatever I figure out that is. And why am I bawling? I think I need to take some vitamin D and go back to getting some exercise. I have not had any motivation to exercise when I get out of work anymore because I’m working longer days than I did before and it’s dark so early. For now, my grocery order is ready to pick up now and that’s one small thing to be thankful for. Not only do I have money for groceries, which some people do not, but I can order my groceries online and go pick them up. I’ve been waiting for this to be possible for a long time. I love it. Here’s to the little things.

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