The Voids

He did end up texting me that afternoon with a light story for “comic relief”. Of course I had no appreciation for any of that and the conversation went south. Or was that the day I tried everything to desperately convince him to change his mind? Actually that was several days and they’re all blending in together now I guess.

I got more and more desperate, trying to entice him, saying what if I drive down there, to the point of almost giving in and hanging on as just a text friend. I realized nothing I could do would change anything and I can’t hang by a single thread just waiting for that one to get cut too.

Late Friday night I had an episode, sent many texts, went out to the car and sat ugly crying at 11 pm and tried to call because I felt I deserved to hear him tell me in his voice (although I really knew being Friday night he likely wouldn’t answer). In any case, I texted one last time letting him know he was blocked and said goodbye. I have not had contact since then.

I’ve been crying less and less but early morning and late night are the hardest and those are the times I usually break down. Or when something of him jumps out at me, like walking around the bookstore yesterday and glancing over at a section and seeing the Pats and Red Sox books on the shelf.

I started writing out what I need to do to move on. I need to stop analyzing everything, allowing intrusive thoughts, and obsessing over what happened and trying to explain it all and worry about the would’ve, could’ve, should’ves that cannot be changed. I need to be more present in the here and now.

I have to realize I’m going through a withdrawal so cold turkey no contact was the right thing to do. All texting does is feed the addiction. I have to accept it’s over and let go. Hope and wishing are destructive.

I have to stop idealizing him and what we had. He was far from perfect or perfect for me (just as I was not prefect for him) and what we had was not a perfect relationship or situation. There’s no such thing as truly perfect of course, but we were not even the best option for each other. I have to list out and remember all of the negative qualities and things that were wrong with us and the ways we were wrong for each other.

The loss of him means loss of the things we did together and I need to fill the voids he left in my life. Even though we didn’t physically see each that often, texts were several times a day. Good morning, goodnight, and in between, and texting every other mundane thing we might be doing at the moment, or idea funny thought or story.

He was my person for concerts, fun nights out, sporting events (even if it wasn’t my thing, and I might have said I don’t care, I really did enjoy going to those things with him just because I was with him) long trips out of state, restaurants, sex, talk about possible future adventures. A lot of those things for him – the outings – are not voids without me because he does and always did do those things before me anyway and of course now he has someone new for all of that.

What’s done is done. I need to get over the loss and regret and be grateful for what I have and everything I had an opportunity to experience that has changed me. Knowing him has helped shape my life into whatever it will become now, and I know that I had some part in shaping his as well.

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