You know you have depression when…

…you’re a 46 year-old watching a 1997 Jane’s Addiction concert on YouTube and you start to cry before he says “and she starts to cry…”, thinking about how you did NOT spend your twenties going to awesome concerts like this one, but was working in a pizza place and you wonder where that guy is now who would break into Jane’s Addiction songs and talk about them constantly at work while grabbing the next round of pizza deliveries. I actually never even heard of them before him. I think his name was David Kelly. He had kind of an Owen Wilson look to him if I remember right. (Although I don’t think I knew who Owen Wilson was at the time.) He was the coolest. I wonder what a lot of them are doing now. James Morrison was so funny and sweet he wasn’t one of the cool guys but he was cute and very entertaining. And he would pick me up and give me a ride if he saw me walking. I considered him a friend. I was always happy to see he was working the same shift. The people who worked there were mostly college students. Other than that, there was a girl only about 2 years older than me who had been a teen mom and had 4 kids. There were a few older emptynesters who cycled in and out. The Greek people who were relatives and friends of the owner and the manager. I was the girl who wasn’t in college and had no aim at all in life who after a few other flings (stories for another time), ended up knocked up by the stoner at work. And while I call him “the stoner” really just about every single person there smoked weed. Working there was the first time I realized how common it was. And somehow, having been around it enough as a child but then not being cool at all in school, I managed to not try it for several years later. And that was mostly because I felt excluded around my boyfriend and his friends. But then I realized what I had been missing and it became a nightly thing. That was so long ago and almost seems like someone else’s life or some character in a movie. There are times I wish I could do the 90s over again but then I realize I’d have to live my whole life over to be the person who would make different choices in the 90s.

All this from a Jane’s Addiction video.

My self-depricating YouTube viewing habits

I think I hate myself because I’ve gotten into the habit of watching a personal trainer on YouTube who yells and calls his viewers “fatty”, Stefan Molyneux who advises people to “defoo” (remove themselves from their family of origin) and men to avoid being with and having kids with women like or similar to myself, and Tom Lykis who advises men against marrying women like or similar to me. And the thing is, I see myself in their discussions and I know they’re absolutely right.

Thoughts on what we leave behind

I was just watching some video about what might be the actual tree of life or what the tree of life represents as opposed to the tree of knowledge of good and evil, mathematical language, equations, DNA, how and where we’re here, pyramids, vibrational frequency, etc. And I thought about how I’ve always wanted to write, but not JUST write – publish (a) book(s). And why do I still want to do that in the age of technology? Because without physical, tangible, low-tech forms of communication, we will leave behind nothing. Print is important. Without it, if the power grid goes out, if the servers all go down, or when current forms of storage and retrieval are outdated, we will leave nothing behind for later generations to hand down or later species of human beings to find and study. I don’t know why the thought of this stresses me out so much. Or why this video brought me here at this moment. If everyone and everything on earth is taken out by the next big worldwide natural disaster, all knowledge, opinion, speculation, thought, on science, math, music, history, human relations will all be gone and whatever intelligent life form that comes next will have to start from point A and figure everything out all over again.