Regrets as I approach 45

I will turn 45 soon and I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve lived my life thus far.

I’ve made horrible choices in my life, many of which have affected not only myself but others as well. I realize I’m not unique. One of my favorite series, “Being Erica”, centers around the main character trying to fix her present life by going back in time to change the things she did wrong on her list of regrets. There was also the show, “My name is Earl”. Earl had a list, too, of things he had to make right to reverse his bad karma.

I have my own list, many things I won’t share here specifically for the world to read. Though, it’s tempting and might be cathartic, some things publically confessed might hurt others and I might get sued. 😛 We all have some skeletons and I don’t feel like I have the right to pull other people’s out for display.

Let’s just say I’ve been a horrible person. And I’ve been a pretty damn good person. I’ve had times when I thought I could take on the world and do anything. I’ve also had many long bouts of deep depression. At times, I’ve thought I was all that and at times I’ve been insecure and thought very little of myself. I’ve gone from impatient clueless mother to the kind who’s gained strength and knowledge from having dealt with some shit.

But I’m a sucky friend.

Probably my top regret is pushing people away and cutting them from my life. One thing I’ve always had a problem with is recognizing when someone is a true friend to me. And another would be not letting people know what they mean to me for fear that they don’t feel the same about me. I’ve never assumed someone thinks of me as a friend, kind of like one would never assume someone is their boyfriend. A discussion has to happen. A question has to be asked, right?

I feel though like probably people think we’re friends and it’s just all in my head that we’re only acquaintances. Right?

I’m lazy. I want friendship to be easy. I want it to be like we’ve known each other for years and not have to do all the polite job interview/date-like getting to know you stuff.

I’ll comment on posts, I’ll text, I’ll be witty and have a fun sense of humor. I’ll say things are great and downplay or put a humorous spin on my problems so I don’t burden people. Until I actually explode with everything that’s bothering me and everyone downplays my problem for me or doesn’t say anything at all.

I’ll try to get together but I don’t take rejection well and if you’re busy once or twice, I probably won’t try again especially if you don’t suggest an alternative, I’ll just assume you’re not my friend because really, I have no idea. Especially if you never came out and said it.

Even if you’ve called me to talk about your man problems. Even if you’ve invited me to your birthday night out and my social anxiety gets the best of me, INTP that I am, and I cancel at the last minute. I’M still wondering if YOU’RE MY friend. Backwards as fuck, I know.

Ahhh… but. BUT BUT BUT. Maybe YOU didn’t know I was YOUR friend because I never said so?

One time, I went through something awful and when I finally told my acquaintance/neighbor/fellow new mom (who I thought of as a friend but didn’t know if she liked me as much so I backed off occasionally even though SHE approached ME) a week or so later after I dealt with the horrible thing, she asked me, “Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve been there for you. That’s what friends are FOR.”

That’s the first time in the two years I knew her that I realized she was my friend. And she was moving several states away in a matter of weeks.

Maybe it’s because I had had friends in high school who turned on me and took up bullying me. I had some who broke off friendships with me because their other friends didn’t like me. I came to believe my friendship was over if a friend got new frienda and I was insecure around their established friends. I had so called friends who just used me. I became very wary of people and the label “friend”. Also, if I did something that caused a friend to get mad at me, I assumed it was the end of the friendship and became standoffish. I had no conflict resolution skills.

Fast forward to today. I have for one reason or other pushed away everyone who ever resembled a friend, especially during the latter part of my adult life where social media has been a prominent fixture. Ive unfriended people, deleted my account, created a new one, re-added people, unfriended again…

It’s an immature move, I know. And hurtful to people who unbeknownst to me considered me their friend.

The reasons are many. You don’t really like me (you never comment or I’m always the initiator). You don’t invite me (but I see the pictures of you with your friends). You’re always busy when I invite you (see above). We always disagree. I love a debate, so that’s not a problem in itself. It’s when your posse comes out of the woodwork everytime and gangs up on me and my opinion. I lost the debate from the start just by debating you on such a biased platform as your page. And then the posse clamoring to support your latest drama. Which I should have been more sensitive about because it was not just a drama to you. I was a horrible friend.

You and the rest of these people were friends and I couldn’t see it.

I overlooked the friend who was the only one who responded when I reached out for help with Sarah.

I neglected to realize one friend was always busy because she was raising three younger kids practically alone as a military wife while also working toward her masters degree.

One person I consider a friend but never talk to outside of Facebook offered and provided a place for us to stay during a storm with a multiple day power outage. Very thankful for that.

Just a few examples.

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Roundabout Communication

He comes in from mowing the lawn and says he’s just taking a break to get a drink. He looks around at the floor and asks if I’ve swept yet (because the floor looks pretty clean but there are a couple things here and there). And I say “well not yet”, we both look at his shoes covered with grass and I add “but I’d rather not have to”. And before I have five seconds to get up and say I’ll get him a drink, he turns around and starts to head back out the door saying, “I can wait till I’m done.” I get up and I’m like “I can get you a drink…” and he stops and says “oh OK” and I go and get him a drink and I’m like “why would you think I wouldn’t get you a drink?” This is my husband, not my son by the way. I was literally just sitting on the couch with a basket of clothes sitting in front of me that I was going to start folding but I was just on my phone. I mean he’s mowing the lawn, he’s hot and he’s thirsty.. I care. It’s just so fucking weird like he doesn’t come out and say stuff, he talks in a roundabout way. He could’ve just walked in and said “hey do you mind grabbing me a glass of water?” Here he’s been bringing me coffee all morning, cooking breakfast, he did dishes before he cooked breakfast while I was lounging with Sarah, and he took a load down to put in the wash and brought up the load I was getting ready to fold. He is out there mowing the lawn and what kind of person have I been for him to think I won’t get him a drink or he can’t ask me to get him a drink? And like everything is said in a roundabout way like that. And sometimes it’s like he’s trying to ask me for help or something with Sarah but he’s says it by saying something to Sarah. Maybe I’m more like a guy where you have to ask me things directly. I don’t get hints (or I do but hate having to read between the lines), but given five seconds I was actually going to get up and get a drink for him (and did).. The whole communication style is just irritating.  Was it always like this? I don’t think so. Did I train him to be like this? It’s like a mom and kid thing and it’s gross. I want a husband not a kid. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard women say that, too, but then they go on treating  their husbands like kids. Am I really that controlling?  Because I’ve always told him I don’t even like it when someone asks him to go do something and he says “well let me check with the boss” meaning me. I told him early on I’ve always hated that term and he doesn’t have to check with me to see if he can do something I mean yeah do we have plans already is a good question to ask if he can’t remember, but he doesn’t have to ask for my permission to go out and do something. I don’t expect to be treated that way myself either and he doesn’t treat me that way. I can pretty much do whatever I want.  But anyway the whole communication thing. I’ve just noticed a pattern and it’s really irritating to have to play guessing games to figure out what he wants even when it’s something as simple to figure out as a drink of water. Or maybe he took the water but he actually wanted a beer?

Why was PT never recommended after c-sections?

I’ve had three c-sections.I was looking up abdominal/core exercises for my fat pooch belly and finding stuff about the best and worst ones for women who have had c-sections (muscles no longer work and have to be retrained, don’t do crunches) plus scar massage to prevent or correct issues caused by improper healing and scarring of multiple stitched layers on the inside and correcting pelvic floor issues and problems from organs being moved around. Feeling a little pissed off now that doctors recommend physical therapy after every other surgery to get muscles back in working order but not once was it mentioned after any of my three c-sections. Watch for signs of infection, take your meds, don’t lift anything heavier than your baby or go up and down stairs for x amount of time. No PT or exercise recommendations. Not even in 2003 when Sarah was born. There was probably stuff on the Internet by then but all I was searching was ring chromosome 22 so I have no clue. Moral of the story I guess is sometimes you have to be your own doctor. Plus maybe don’t wait 13, 17, 25 years to look into surgery recovery. 😛