This year started out pretty shitty for me but I’m working through it. It’s certainly true that you find out who’s really there for you when the shit hits the fan. I’ve realized you have to be your own best friend and that you really can’t rely on anyone but yourself. I have literally cried at least once every day since December 27th and have not really opened up about it much. I can be stoic that way, hiding and saving crying jags for when I’m alone, but inside I’ve felt like a part of me has died. It’s times like this that I wish I had the kind of friends who would kidnap me and make me go out and have fun and instead of the kind who bail on plans.
This is how you let go and get out of a nostalgia rut – stop idealizing someone you always think of as perfect and list all their “faults” and how life can be better without them. I don’t feel obligated to have a text waiting for them every day or feel bad if I don’t. I don’t have to hear about sports or music I don’t care about, or hang out with someone who watches so much TV they keep a spreadsheet, sleeps till noon every day, doesn’t like summer, hates being out in the sun and panics if they’re out more than 5 minutes without sunscreen before 4 p.m., doesn’t like being on the water, kayaking, beaches, doesn’t like hiking, will never go camping or likely even “glamping”, has on many occasions literally had to have two TVs and a laptop going at once to watch all their stuff at the same time 😛, doesn’t like most of the music or interests I like and doesn’t like to compromise, even has friends trained to immediately turn their radio to another station when in their car. I don’t have to listen to or get dragged to 80s hair bands or other shows I’d never choose to go to on my own in order to go do something together on a regular basis (although I did happily many times). I’ll never again get a $20 ticket as a birthday gift but then have to drive 200 miles and pay for gas and my hotel to use it. If there ever came a day we went on a trip together, we might watch a sunrise together but then that person would turn in and go to sleep until noon while I’d want to go explore and would end up doing it alone. No outdoor sunrise coffee together though because that person hates coffee (coffee’s kind of important 😂) and again, on vacation, no beach/sunshine/hiking together. I’d never have a meal cooked for me by them because they just eat out all the time. I cook with onions in just about everything and I’ll never have to omit onions for someone who hates them (or other things picky eaters hate). I no longer shake my head at someone who’s a logical thinker in most ways and health-conscious for the most part with food and exercise, but drinks way too much soda and beer. And I like quiet nights in, doing relaxing things while this person is out and up till 3 almost every night. I’m texting less and I’m thinking less about texting him when I see thing things that he might find funny or interesting, I am not only looking forward to plans with him. I’ve been enjoying shows I like, going out with friends, immersing myself in hobbies that I never did as much before, starting to build a business, trying to find myself again and discover my own interests, I’m not putting things off because of being worried about where I might be and what my life might be like in a year or two. That’s just the tip of the iceberg but it’s therapeutic listing all of the things that are “wrong” with a person you’re trying to miss less. Remember the bad with the good.
This year has brought with it so many changes, I don’t even know where to begin. So many endings. The loss of my best friend and the end of so many things that I took for granted, finally quitting the job I’ve been sticking it out at for far too long, Sarah’s caregiver quitting. I need so much healing and new goals and new beginnings.
So would you like to meet?
If I meet you,
I might like you.
If I like you,
I could love you.
If I love you,
you’ll probably break my heart.
If you break my heart,
you’ll hurt me.
If you hurt me,
I’ll hate you.
If I hate you,
I’ll wish I’d never met you from the start.
But if I had never met you,
I would never know
That even when you break my heart,
I’ll still love you when you go.
A NIN song. And that’s also what I am. The Great Relationship Destroyer. I’m pretty sure I’ve completely destroyed my life and I don’t know what I’m going to do now. Why do I do this?