Introducing Life, Upside-Down & Sideways

A few things about me:

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Sarah and Job Update

Holy wow, how the weeks and months pass. Since my last post school got out, we gained a new BHP (or really CSWs are what this company hires) after having lost our last one. This will be our fourth since I think March.

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It’s Cryday, Cryday… Gonna Get Down on Cryday

I’m just having a cry day. That’s what I’ll call it. Cryday. I cried all night. I got up, took a shower, cried some more, got dressed, cried some more. Ate, had some coffee, cried some more. Iced my eyes. Took some ibuprofen. Iced my eyes some more. Rehearsed over and over in my mind a phone call I would make to cancel my meeting.

I kept myself from making the call and forced myself to go. I went to RMH looking like a puffy wreck. I got a tour, filled out a confidentiality form and a background check form. And I should be getting set up with a training day next week and access to the online schedule where I can plug myself in for volunteering shifts.

It may just be volunteer work, but I need something. It’s like the stuff I listen to through the day and fall asleep to so I don’t have to be alone with my thoughts. I do okay keeping a positive mood but then something like last night triggers me and I go all to hell.

I need a reason to take a shower instead of lying around the house in yesterday’s clothes, crying all day. I’ve spent far too many days over the last couple of years doing this. I might wash and blowdry my hair and put some deodorant on if I need to be halfway presentable for some reason.

Otherwise, whatever. I would lie around thinking about what a failure I am, where I went wrong in life, what I should’ve done differently, why I feel so alone, why my kids hate me, why I have a child with special needs. I would lament about my limitations in being able to find and keep a full-time job and care for Sarah, find a job in the field I went to college for. Why can’t I do things I enjoy instead of only catering to everyone else’s needs and driving everyone everywhere.

On and on the thoughts swirl around. I broke down in front my husband more than once but usually keep it to myself. At one point I said (cried, screamed) that I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be here. I want to run away. My kids hate me, I’m a failure, a horrible wife, horrible mother, I don’t even want to be here anymore. I’m done. I don’t want to live anymore.

Something had to change.

That’s when I started looking for something to quiet my mind and found sleep hypnosis videos on YouTube that I would listen to to help me drift off to sleep at night. I looked for videos about positive thinking and motivation. I found the video, “The Shift”, which led me to other Wayne Dyer videos on YouTube like “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life” and audio on SoundCloud like “101 Ways to Transform Your Life”. I’ve listened to these during the day and I’ve fallen asleep to them at night. They have been extremely helpful.

I had begun to make a master calender of potential things for us and the BHP to do with Sarah but also added in things to do with Jamie, things to do by myself and possible date night things if Ron and I ever get the opportunity. I decided if I wanted to do more than sit around the house–and really it came to the point of if I want to LIVE–only I can make myself do anything.

So while waiting to see if my references come though for me and I get this job I interviewed for a few weeks ago, I decided to line up some other things to get me moving in the morning. Another piece of this is that in an interview for a different job I didn’t get, they asked me what I’ve been doing since I graduated from college last May. I didn’t really have anything to say other than being a stay at home mom, blogging, and applying for jobs. Whether or not I get this job I’m waiting on, at least next time I’ll have more to say about how I’m keeping busy in my down time.

So with listening to the videos/audio, going to the Y and the UU, I’m working on improving myself and feeling better. With RMH, Literacy Volunteers (informational session tonight), and possibly the other two in some capacity, I’m trying to focus on things outside of myself and help other people, which, when you feel their appreciation, makes you feel better as well.

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Are You Sure You Want To Do That?

“Are you sure you want to do that?”

My family has come to the consensus I’m not patient enough to be a Literacy Volunteer. I’m glad they know me so well and saved me from getting in over my head. Phew. Close one! Good thing because I don’t even know myself anymore after spending the last 23+ years raising kids. God forbid I should get involved in some things outside of driving everyone around to all of their crap, cooking, laundry and wiping up poop. Gosh, I should probably just knit.

Yeah, I’m a little upset that 23+ years of my life raising kids, encouraging them to do what interests them, cheering them on, being there for them and this is what I get. This is what they think of me. Two grown and almost grown people I taught to read think I’m too impatient to teach people who want to learn to read. I would love to be teaching Sarah to read if she had the capability. I’ve become more patient with each kid. It’s just really upsetting they think so little of me.

But maybe they’re right. I was close to getting a job as a direct support professional and one of my daughter’s CNA managers asked, “Are you sure you want to do that?” Reasonable question since I already spend my time taking care of Sarah. She wasn’t questioning my patience. It did, however, feel as though she was questioning my own knowledge of myself.

And I really don’t know myself. After years of doing nothing for me, I’m trying to find myself outside of the identity of “Mom”. Some things interest me. If I find I’m not cut out for it or it no longer interests me, I’ll move on. Just like my older daughter did with soccer and cheering. Just like my son did with the Democrat party and ROTC.

I guess I’ll still go the the Literacy Volunteers information meeting. And I’ll still go to the Ronald McDonald House meeting I have set up to talk with them about volunteering. And I’ll still go to classes at the YMCA. Yoga. Tabata. Aqua Circuit. I even went to a Unitarian Universalist Church service yesterday for the first time. I almost didn’t because I was a little late trying to find a parking space and hate walking into something late.

This has been a week of starting new things.

Am I sure I want to do this? Yes. Do you know why? Because keeping busy is the best way to keep from lying around at home depressed and crying all day. Some of these things help other people. Do you know why it’s good to help other people? One: Because many people need help (everyone does at some point or other) and not enough people take the time to do for others. Two: Helping other people actually helps yourself. It comes back to that reason of keeping busy keeps you from lying around depressed. Helping people who want and need your help makes you feel good because they appreciate you. Yes, it’s nice to feel appreciated, from what I hear.

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The Y

The family became Y members today. We’re going to get in shape. Also signed Sarah up for some Maine Discovery Museum events. I still haven’t heard about the job and haven’t gotten a call about my volunteer application for Ronald McDonald House.

I also want to do Literacy Volunteers training which starts next Tuesday but that is going to take some knowledge of quantum physics to figure out how to do it between Sarah’s activity that afternoon that I already changed the CNA’s arrival time for, Ron’s work schedule, and Jamie’s Junior Exhibition rehearsal. I know there’s a simple solution, but I’ll go over and over this in my head and it will drive me nuts.

I still have not written a goal list for the year and here it is, March 9th. I will do this.

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