Beating Depression

Almost a year ago, I finally found myself in a better place after many years of dealing with depression and I still work on myself every day.

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The Fair etc.

Yesterday was Saturday and we took Sarah to the Bangor State Fair. She had a blast. There were a few rides she would’ve enjoyed but was too big to go on and many rides she was big enough to ride but probably would’ve terrified her or made her sick. We stuck to the few rides we found that were perfect for her as well as the fun house and giant slide.

We also walked through the barns and saw the animals. She’s just over the weight limit now for pony rides, which is kind of sad. It was so hot we kept Sarah cool by pouring water on her once in a while (the kid doesn’t sweat) in addition to all of the Gatorade, fresh squeezed lemonade and homemade cream soda from the kettle corn vendor (tasty kettle corn). We all had fun. It was an awesome day.

The other half of my post: I spent the morning looking up and reading things about dealing with negativity at the office. I had really forgotten what it was like or maybe I thought this place would be different because overall the culture seems more positive, but people are people wherever you go.

I have to remember, too, I used to be a person who had a higher stress job with piled up work that kept piling up day after day. Now I have the kind of job where I go in, do my work and it’s done. The next time I come in, I do my work and it’s done. And I’m only there 2 1/2 days a week, so there is that.

I have to remember my coworkers are coming from a place in life where I used to be (and may be again someday). For me, now, going to work is a break from my life, so it’s a completely different perspective. It’s amazing how easy it is to get drawn in to the negativity though. They’re already saying, “Yep, she’s catching on! She’s starting to sound like us now!”

I don’t want to get to that point though because I feel like my full-time job is taking care of Sarah. Once I get to the point where my part-time job isn’t a break anymore, it’s no longer serving its purpose for me and I won’t want to be there anymore.

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Introducing Life, Upside-Down & Sideways

A few things about me:

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It’s Cryday, Cryday… Gonna Get Down on Cryday

I’m just having a cry day. That’s what I’ll call it. Cryday. I cried all night. I got up, took a shower, cried some more, got dressed, cried some more. Ate, had some coffee, cried some more. Iced my eyes. Took some ibuprofen. Iced my eyes some more. Rehearsed over and over in my mind a phone call I would make to cancel my meeting.

I kept myself from making the call and forced myself to go. I went to RMH looking like a puffy wreck. I got a tour, filled out a confidentiality form and a background check form. And I should be getting set up with a training day next week and access to the online schedule where I can plug myself in for volunteering shifts.

It may just be volunteer work, but I need something. It’s like the stuff I listen to through the day and fall asleep to so I don’t have to be alone with my thoughts. I do okay keeping a positive mood but then something like last night triggers me and I go all to hell.

I need a reason to take a shower instead of lying around the house in yesterday’s clothes, crying all day. I’ve spent far too many days over the last couple of years doing this. I might wash and blowdry my hair and put some deodorant on if I need to be halfway presentable for some reason.

Otherwise, whatever. I would lie around thinking about what a failure I am, where I went wrong in life, what I should’ve done differently, why I feel so alone, why my kids hate me, why I have a child with special needs. I would lament about my limitations in being able to find and keep a full-time job and care for Sarah, find a job in the field I went to college for. Why can’t I do things I enjoy instead of only catering to everyone else’s needs and driving everyone everywhere.

On and on the thoughts swirl around. I broke down in front my husband more than once but usually keep it to myself. At one point I said (cried, screamed) that I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be here. I want to run away. My kids hate me, I’m a failure, a horrible wife, horrible mother, I don’t even want to be here anymore. I’m done. I don’t want to live anymore.

Something had to change.

That’s when I started looking for something to quiet my mind and found sleep hypnosis videos on YouTube that I would listen to to help me drift off to sleep at night. I looked for videos about positive thinking and motivation. I found the video, “The Shift”, which led me to other Wayne Dyer videos on YouTube like “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life” and audio on SoundCloud like “101 Ways to Transform Your Life”. I’ve listened to these during the day and I’ve fallen asleep to them at night. They have been extremely helpful.

I had begun to make a master calender of potential things for us and the BHP to do with Sarah but also added in things to do with Jamie, things to do by myself and possible date night things if Ron and I ever get the opportunity. I decided if I wanted to do more than sit around the house–and really it came to the point of if I want to LIVE–only I can make myself do anything.

So while waiting to see if my references come though for me and I get this job I interviewed for a few weeks ago, I decided to line up some other things to get me moving in the morning. Another piece of this is that in an interview for a different job I didn’t get, they asked me what I’ve been doing since I graduated from college last May. I didn’t really have anything to say other than being a stay at home mom, blogging, and applying for jobs. Whether or not I get this job I’m waiting on, at least next time I’ll have more to say about how I’m keeping busy in my down time.

So with listening to the videos/audio, going to the Y and the UU, I’m working on improving myself and feeling better. With RMH, Literacy Volunteers (informational session tonight), and possibly the other two in some capacity, I’m trying to focus on things outside of myself and help other people, which, when you feel their appreciation, makes you feel better as well.

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