Dealing with it

Some people are just “negative Nancy” types but some are truly depressed. In my experience, nobody is really equipped to help, especially people you only talk to on Facebook and usually even family if you don’t have a tight-knit family. It’s hard to get to the point where you can actually bring yourself to ask for help and then when you do, you’re more likely to get someone telling you “you’re not the only one who gets depressed”, “some people have it worse than you, you know”, “find people who are going through what you’re going through and talk to them”, “deal with it”, “get some fucking help,” and “what do you want me to do?” (If only I knew.) Those were actual quotes–none helpful. Most likely, talking to someone will feel like you’re burdening them because they aren’t equipped to help and the negativity pushes people away. It’s probably better to talk to someone you don’t know on a crisis hotline, though I don’t know for sure as I never called one, myself. I deleted Facebook for a good year. Facebook friends (and old/current co-workers, acquaintances, old school friends you never see) aren’t real friends. I would say find an outlet or 3 -writing, painting, music, building things, exercise/sports, a pet – and a positive inlet or 10 – work on yourself, make some goals, try new things, meet people, listen to some people on Youtube and see if you find someone whose message resonates with you. Even just force yourself to get out of bed and take a shower. If that’s the only thing you accomplish in a day, it’s a step. I forced myself to go try exercise classes, kept a blog, and listened to Wayne Dyer videos. Those things got me out of an abyss and staying out is an ongoing process. They also cured me of ranting on Facebook about my life problems. I still listen to a variety of people on YouTube every single day and fall asleep with earbuds.

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Guilty

There are many times when I wish I had handled something differently. Like when I made a Facebook post and someone made a kind of judgmental comment ( while stating, “not trying to be judgmental”). Instead of feeling guilty or uncomfortable and deleting it, I wish I had instead said something like, “you know, when you make a post on your page about your opinion, I promise I won’t make a judgmental comment on it”. Especially when my original post was about how some other person has a way of making me feel guilty.

Fuck!

Mental Health Day

So I took a mental health day off today. This week has been kind of miserable. Just when I found out we could go down to part-time hours for the summer, my counterpart at work accepted another job and gave her notice, so that kind of changes that situation. And before the part-time news, I had been giving myself until the end of this month to look for care for Sarah – since she only gets 20 hours a week with a BHP – and decide to stay or give notice to get done for the summer. I haven’t been getting any response and now there’s no way I’m going to part-time, so I’m going to feel like a jerk giving notice right after the other front desk person gave notice. But I guess they should have plenty of time to find someone. The thing is, pretty much from day one I’ve known that I’m not cut out for this job and it’s not where I’m going to stay, but hey it was full-time and paid off some things. I have learned from this job that I have to do something that aligns with my own values and not to just do something for the money. Because there’s no way that I can converse and promote our services the way the other receptionist does. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve been miserable thr entire time I’ve worked there. I thought that working at a chiropractor’s office would align better with me, but I canceled an interview I was supposed to have last night for a part-time office position because after looking further through their Facebook page, I found they offer a lot of the cosmetic medical spa-type things that we offer at my current work that I’m just not going to try myself and promote to people. I have to find some purpose in what I do and at least I can say that I served a purpose at my current workplace because they had an easier time getting through the winter where someone else would have had to cover the other receptionist who was out sick a lot and hospitalized a couple times, so I think my purpose there was to get them through the winter and serve as back-up for that lady. Other than that, I can’t really find any purpose in what I do there. I think I’ve decided I want to get out of the whole medical field all together. I want nothing to do with insurance prior authorizations and dealing with insurance companies. I don’t want to have to promote and sell products and services that I don’t believe in. And I really need to get out of the front office or office setting in general. I don’t know. Every job I have, I end up being the person who has to answer the phones and be the front facing customer service person, neither of which I am cut out for unless I’m answering calls and facing customers about something I’m knowledgeable about and love. So I don’t know what to do. I don’t have a profession, so I can’t be the person that the front office people are answering phones for. I just don’t know right now. Maybe I need a job cleaning rooms in a hotel or making sandwiches and pizzas in the back kitchen like the old days or something. I just know I’m not where I want to be. I thought a chiropractor’s office would be perfect for me, but when they offer some of the same anti-aging and body sculpting-type services, I just can’t. I thought they were more about nutrition and natural health. I just had a bad feeling and decided to listen to my gut for a change. Looking at the hours they were offering and the hours they’re open, they’re probably looking for the single office person to cover every office function the entire time they’re open, and I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be the frontlines and phone person anymore. I just can’t deal with that shit. So yeah, I am taking a me day which I’m spending doing dishes and laundry and talking to my blog right now. I guess at least I’m getting it out and sorting out my thoughts. I just needed a day to not be sitting there at that desk all day answering phone calls from people wanting to ask questions about shit that I don’t want to have to answer questions about. I guess I’m judgemental, but I just want to tell people you don’t need this shit. Why do you think you need this shit? So I’m sitting here folding laundry and getting this off my chest anyway. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do with my life. I’m too old to still be thinking this way.

You know you have depression when…

…you’re a 46 year-old watching a 1997 Jane’s Addiction concert on YouTube and you start to cry before he says “and she starts to cry…”, thinking about how you did NOT spend your twenties going to awesome concerts like this one, but was working in a pizza place and you wonder where that guy is now who would break into Jane’s Addiction songs and talk about them constantly at work while grabbing the next round of pizza deliveries. I actually never even heard of them before him. I think his name was David Kelly. He had kind of an Owen Wilson look to him if I remember right. (Although I don’t think I knew who Owen Wilson was at the time.) He was the coolest. I wonder what a lot of them are doing now. James Morrison was so funny and sweet he wasn’t one of the cool guys but he was cute and very entertaining. And he would pick me up and give me a ride if he saw me walking. I considered him a friend. I was always happy to see he was working the same shift. The people who worked there were mostly college students. Other than that, there was a girl only about 2 years older than me who had been a teen mom and had 4 kids. There were a few older emptynesters who cycled in and out. The Greek people who were relatives and friends of the owner and the manager. I was the girl who wasn’t in college and had no aim at all in life who after a few other flings (stories for another time), ended up knocked up by the stoner at work. And while I call him “the stoner” really just about every single person there smoked weed. Working there was the first time I realized how common it was. And somehow, having been around it enough as a child but then not being cool at all in school, I managed to not try it for several years later. And that was mostly because I felt excluded around my boyfriend and his friends. But then I realized what I had been missing and it became a nightly thing. That was so long ago and almost seems like someone else’s life or some character in a movie. There are times I wish I could do the 90s over again but then I realize I’d have to live my whole life over to be the person who would make different choices in the 90s.

All this from a Jane’s Addiction video.