So this time of year, winter (some will argue it’s not winter yet, but as far as I’m concerned it’s f****** freezing out and we have had snow, it’s winter), seems to be the time I overthink everything. I hate the way my body looks. I’ve gained so much weight, especially since hitting 40. I am constantly watching videos on YouTube about nutrition, different diets, fitness trying to find the secret key to getting where I want to be. My moods have always been an issue, but it seems the last few years, I just cry at the drop of a hat over I don’t even know what. Like I’m doing that right now as a dictate this post into my phone using voice to text. When it gets cold out I eat too much, and things are shouldn’t eat. I don’t work out and I had gotten into a decent habit getting out three to four times a week to work out. I tried quitting coffee which lasted almost a couple of weeks. I’m drinking coffee again. Those were the couple of weeks that I had started doing really well when intermittent fasting and only eating at lunch time and dinner time. This new job I started in October hasn’t helped any and that’s been stressing me out. But I think things are better now. It’s been nice to hear some acknowledgement that they know things are hard with all of the new people there and it’s been nice to hear some appreciation for the work I’ve been doing. This past week was really good compared to the few weeks before that. I don’t think I’m going to spend today trying to figure out how to get out of going to work Monday (or ever again) like I have the last few Sundays. I’ve had a hard time reconciling how I feel about the services we do at our office (cosmetic surgeries and procedures), what I believe in, and how I feel about myself, & other people’s choices to buy the services for their own self-image and confidence. I’m trying to tell myself that I need the paycheck, and while this isn’t my dream job, this is a good enough job so I can afford to do other things that I feel are my true purpose. Whatever I figure out that is. And why am I bawling? I think I need to take some vitamin D and go back to getting some exercise. I have not had any motivation to exercise when I get out of work anymore because I’m working longer days than I did before and it’s dark so early. For now, my grocery order is ready to pick up now and that’s one small thing to be thankful for. Not only do I have money for groceries, which some people do not, but I can order my groceries online and go pick them up. I’ve been waiting for this to be possible for a long time. I love it. Here’s to the little things.
I get depressed. I miss what barely was, what never was – I don’t know. I feel crazy. I feel regret, resentment, alone, weird. More than dysfunctional. What is better, dysfunctional or non-existent? My childhood was filled with inconsistency. I’m remembering a holiday spent at my grandfather’s (mom’s dad), a couple at my mother’s boyfriend’s family, a couple at my grandmother’s (dad’s mom), some at my stepfather’s family (later – not the boyfriend from before). In adulthood, one at my mother and next stepfather’s house. A few at my first in laws, a few at my second in laws. (Neither actual legal “in-laws”.) Never the same. Never a cohesive group of people I have a lifetime connection to to this day. The fondest memories I have are blended vague memories of holidays at my paternal grandmother’s and days at my dad’s. And I think it’s because of the music. Music tends to help imprint memories and trigger those memories later. It’s the whole soundtrack of life thing. This time of year, I tend to listen to the music I remember from those times with my dad. Arlo Guthrie, Alice’s Restaurant. City of New Orleans. Crosby Stills Nash and Young. Allman Brothers. Little Feat. Marshall Tucker Band. Eric Clapton. Fleetwood Mac. Then there’s Buffalo Springfield, For What It’s Worth, but I think I first heard that on the Muppet Show. I try look up the band my father took my sister and me to see when we were little. We were sitting at a bar sipping non alcoholic cocktails and I felt like such a grown-up. I brainstorm and google whatever keywords I can think of – I’m pretty sure I’m thinking of a Canadian trio that begins with M and somehow end up listening to Quarterflash. This is totally not the band I was trying to think of but something about the name… I can just hear a few bars of one of the songs in my head – the guitar not the words tho. The words are right on the tip of my tongue. I start trying to Google again when Devonsquare pops into my head. There it is! Quarterflash-Devonshire. Close right? The other day, we were eating dinner and Sarah finished, stood up, and kind of hovered over me. Ron called her an eagle. I said “eagle eye Sarah”. Then my brain thought “Eagle Eye Cherry”. And then I started humming, “Saaave tonight. Fight the break of dawn. Cooome tomorrow – tomorrow I’ll be gone…”
This post is how my brain works.
I began this post on Thanksgiving and today is Saturday. I’ve spent the morning watching YouTube, listening to a guy who preaches losing weight and curing cancer by fasting and a girl who did it for 54 days, then Jordan Peterson, Gary Vee, and some guy with a Ted Talk on procrastination trying to find something that will give me the magic answer of what to do with my life.
I think I had a shower Thursday. It’s 2:12 on Saturday. Really need to shower and get ready for my son and his girlfriend to bring dinner over. I need to start my diet and workout again after this weekend.
“INTPs may struggle to find satisfaction with traditional careers choices. It can also make them reluctant to function as employees. They loathe the idea of answering to someone else and can have difficulty embracing an organization’s vision as their own…they are sensitive to what they see as the trivial or meaningless aspects of a given job. This is exacerbated by their innate skepticism, which impels them to question everything…those who find themselves performing people-oriented work often encounter difficulties. While INTPs may welcome human engagement in small quantities, too much will exhaust or frustrate them. They can quickly tire of having to placate people, especially in cases where it is inconvenient or emotionally taxing to do so. They may also find themselves longing for more time and solitude to independently, think, investigate, or create.” 100% spot on. So frustrated with myself for lack of early self-awareness and poor life planning.
This video isn’t as funny as it is just kind of sad and really relatable this past month as I’ve been contemplating the decision I made to accept a job at a medispa/plastic surgeon’s office. I was not excited about starting my new job. I had a bad feeling from the get go but I ignored it. At this new job – where they actually do the “plastic and poison in the face” this comedienne speaks of and many other such things like freezing away annoying fat bulges – a co-worker actually made a comment to the effect that women want to look a certain way based on standards set in women’s magazines, and we cater the that. The co-worker said this is her passion. And here I’ve been trying to get in shape going to Zumba and such. Trying to eat healthier. I don’t believe in botox, coolscupting, cosmetic surgery, or $150 anti-aging creams. I believe in drinking water, eating fruits and veggies, exercise, relaxation, sleep, having fun. I would never want to admit at work that I’ve used coconut oil and olive oil on my skin or that once I did a 6 months or so trial of using baking soda and vinegar in place of shampoo and conditioner. I’ve been at odds with myself ever since before I even went to the interview. I had told a friend “I don’t think I can work there on principle”. But then the interview seemed to go well. I got the offer. The money was decent. I figured I’d learn a lot of new and interesting things and maybe I’d feel differently about it all, get used to it. I had felt bad about my looks and my skin all through middle school, high school, and most of my twenties. Then I had a beautiful daughter. I finally started to see my own beauty reflected in her and feel comfortable with my looks. I had another beautiful daughter and I felt even more ok. I let my hair grow out gray for a year and felt pretty good about it until I got this job and felt like the gray made me look older and this place is about looking younger and suddenly I decided to dye my hair before I started the job. I bit off all of my nails after peeling off the acrylics I got to try to quit biting. I will never have the cheerful, outgoing, customer service voice to greet clients and discuss the best defense cream with them, or put them at ease about getting the laser treatment by describing my experience to them. This is someone’s dream job. The social interaction, the half price products and free or at cost services. Someone out there would be elated to have these perks – the laser Brazilian, armpit, and leg hair removal, the chemical peels, the lip filler and botox – but not me. I can’t fake interest for a paycheck. I can’t sell what I’m not interested in let alone passionate about, and especially what doesn’t align with my own personal values. I’ve felt uneasy about my decision to pursue and accept this job because in doing so, I have not been true to myself.