What’s on my mind?

What’s on my mind? I can’t expose that side of me. It would hurt you to see the do or die of me. Like a still-life, snapshots, stop-motion in strobe lights, blinding flickers of the composure you extol are illuminated from within the chaos, but you still can’t see what hides in the folds of darkness inside my heart before the flash goes off and the shutter closes.


Thoughts on minimalism, inalienable rights, modern healthcare, and income

Last year I was about doing things. Trying new things, being more active, going to more events. This year I’m thinking minimalism. I’ve been trying fasting, cutting out, or so far drinking much less, coffee – once or twice a week. I want a more minimalist diet. I have clutter to clean out of my house, mind, and budget. And I’ve been thinking about what I actually need and want, and what’s just excess.

I started thinking about all of this while looking at our bills and budget, and then our checking account showing Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart… Seeing how much of our income (husband’s income coming from Wal-Mart) goes back to Wal-Mart (because of convenience and employee discount). And thinking of why I’m now working full-time at a place I have to justify to myself because of the inner conflict I feel working in an industry I feel is centered around frivolous pursuits of excess in the way of vanity basically to fund our own frivolous pursuits of excess.

There is also the medical side, which at least is surgery and does help people who are injured, but I still feel a lack of purpose and meaning in doing my part which is like playing a tedious game with complicated rules I’m only somewhat familiar with, to try to cut through red tape of insurance companies, which we wouldn’t need in the first place if we took care of ourselves, lived healthy lives and only needed medical services when our bodies are truly broken. Would we spend as much as we currently do on premiums and meeting deductibles, paying co-pays and out-of-pocket maximums if we just ate healthy and stayed fit naturally, and just paid straight out of pocket or in trade for things like surgeries for congenital issues and accidental injuries?

Everything else in so-called “healthcare” is sick care for sicknesses caused by bad shit we put in our bodies and the exercise and sleep we don’t get. Obesity and from that high blood pressure, non-congenital heart, kidney, liver issues… every single thing is caused by the shit we put in our bodies. You are what you eat sure was the truth all along. We humans don’t even know how to feed ourselves anymore. There are a million different books and videos on diet. People argue over whether it matters if we eat vegan or paleo, keto or Whole Foods or crap. You can look up any animal on Wikipedia and find out what they eat. But we don’t even know what humans eat. Our immunity sucks because we’re not able to develop our own immune systems in an oversanitized world that just creates more resistant bugs. That was a tangent. But not really. Everything is interconnected.

Oh, and how many people actually live long enough to fully benefit from everything they contributed to and are entitled to, having been income earners?

Yesterday, I started this outline below. I first called it Money Sucks, then changed it Adulting – Why We Work. Basically this is it and we bring up kids to go through this whole cycle themselves.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be able to live off the grid, within our natural rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (happiness being interpreted as having meaning and purpose), live without interference from and obligation to government, but instead willingness to help each other and trade services and items without need for recognized currency. Life, meeting our basic needs off the land. A water source for drinking and hygiene, hunting/farming/foraging for food, a shelter, heat sources of the sun and wood from trees from the land, minimal clothing needed to be warm, and clean air. No pesticides, herbicides, waste or pollution from industrialisation and transport. Communities of people who really help and support each other, not just throw money at problems that are mostly man-made for profit.

It would be hard work, but we would have healthful food, healthy fit bodies, lives not controlled by money, minds not controlled by media, social or otherwise. Better connectedness to the land and people around us, better rest, contentedness, meaning, and purpose.

Is it possible to have the latter without the former? Are we able to have the latter with everything in my outline?

Below is a thought-provoking article I found after creating the outline and searching inalienable rights.

View story at Medium.com
Adulting – Why We Work
Taxes (to support government programs and infrastructure)
Federal tax
State tax
Withholding (so someday we no longer have to work/in case we are longer able to work)
Social Security
Retirement contribution
Insurance premiums
S/L term disability
Education (to increase what we are able to earn)
Auto (transportation to get to the job so we can earn the money to pay for loans)
Clothing (basic need and to dress appropriately for the job we go to to afford clothing)
Shelter (basic need)
Property tax
Water/Sewer (basic need)
Hygiene and grooming products
Food/Drink (basic need and entertainment/overconsumption)
Restaurants/bars//fast food
High blood pressure, diabetes, heart, kidney, liver diseases
Preventative care
Sick care
More Dx
More drugs
Electricity (to power our homes for food, drink,clothing, maintenance, entertainment)
Kitchen appliances
Laundry appliances
Social media
Outdoor recreation
Indoor recreation
Group fitness
Organized sports
Other travel and expenses vacation, visit/care for family, etc.
Elder care
Weddings, birthdays, holidays
Plane, bus, Taxi/Uber
Daycare (we pay other people, usually strangers, sometimes unreliable, sometimes dangerous unbeknownst to us, to take care of our kids so we can go earn the income to cover all of these things plus the kids’ needs)
Health care
Sick care

Then children repeat the cycle.


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Purpose, perimenopause, winter

So this time of year, winter (some will argue it’s not winter yet, but as far as I’m concerned it’s f****** freezing out and we have had snow, it’s winter), seems to be the time I overthink everything. I hate the way my body looks. I’ve gained so much weight, especially since hitting 40. I am constantly watching videos on YouTube about nutrition, different diets, fitness trying to find the secret key to getting where I want to be. My moods have always been an issue, but it seems the last few years, I just cry at the drop of a hat over I don’t even know what. Like I’m doing that right now as a dictate this post into my phone using voice to text. When it gets cold out I eat too much, and things are shouldn’t eat. I don’t work out and I had gotten into a decent habit getting out three to four times a week to work out. I tried quitting coffee  which lasted  almost a couple of weeks. I’m drinking coffee again. Those were the couple of weeks that I had started doing really well when intermittent fasting and only eating at lunch time and dinner time. This new job I started in October hasn’t helped any and that’s been stressing me out. But I think things are better now. It’s been nice to hear some acknowledgement that they know things are hard with all of the new people there and it’s been nice to hear some appreciation for the work I’ve been doing. This past week was really good compared to the few weeks before that. I don’t think I’m going to spend today trying to figure out how to get out of going to work Monday (or ever again) like I have the last few Sundays. I’ve had a hard time reconciling how I feel about the services we do at our office (cosmetic surgeries and procedures), what I believe in, and how I feel about myself, & other people’s choices to buy the services for their own self-image and confidence. I’m trying to tell myself that I need the paycheck, and while this isn’t  my dream job, this is a good enough job so I can afford to do other things that I feel are my true purpose. Whatever I figure out that is. And why am I bawling? I think I need to take some vitamin D and go back to getting some exercise. I have not had any motivation to exercise when I get out of work anymore because I’m working longer days than I did before and it’s dark so early. For now, my grocery order is ready to pick up now and that’s one small thing to be thankful for. Not only do I have money for groceries, which some people do not, but I can order my groceries online and go pick them up. I’ve been waiting for this to be possible for a long time. I love it. Here’s to the little things.


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This time of year…

I get depressed. I miss what barely was, what never was – I don’t know. I feel crazy. I feel regret, resentment, alone, weird. More than dysfunctional. What is better, dysfunctional  or non-existent? My childhood was filled with inconsistency. I’m remembering a holiday spent at my grandfather’s (mom’s dad), a couple at my mother’s boyfriend’s family, a couple at my grandmother’s (dad’s mom), some at my stepfather’s family (later – not the boyfriend from before). In adulthood, one at my mother and next stepfather’s house. A few at my first in laws, a few at my second in laws. (Neither actual legal “in-laws”.) Never the same. Never a cohesive group of people I have a lifetime connection to to this day. The fondest memories I have are blended vague memories of holidays at my paternal grandmother’s and days at my dad’s. And I think it’s because of the music. Music tends to help imprint memories and trigger those memories later. It’s the whole soundtrack of life thing. This time of year, I tend to listen to the music I remember from those times with my dad. Arlo Guthrie, Alice’s Restaurant. City of New Orleans. Crosby Stills Nash and Young. Allman Brothers. Little Feat. Marshall Tucker Band. Eric Clapton. Fleetwood Mac. Then there’s Buffalo Springfield, For What It’s Worth, but I think I first heard that on the Muppet Show. I  try look up the band my father took my sister and me to see when we were little. We were sitting at a bar sipping non alcoholic cocktails and I felt like such a grown-up. I brainstorm and google whatever keywords I can think of – I’m pretty sure I’m thinking of a Canadian trio that begins with M and somehow end up listening to Quarterflash. This is totally not the band I was trying to think of but something about the name… I can just hear a few bars of one of the songs in my head – the guitar not the words tho. The words are right on the tip of my tongue. I start trying to Google again when Devonsquare pops into my head. There it is! Quarterflash-Devonshire. Close right? The other day, we were eating dinner and Sarah finished, stood up, and kind of hovered over me. Ron called her an eagle. I said “eagle eye Sarah”. Then my brain thought “Eagle Eye Cherry”. And then I started humming, “Saaave tonight. Fight the break of dawn. Cooome tomorrow – tomorrow I’ll be gone…”

This post is how my brain works.

I began this post on Thanksgiving and today is Saturday. I’ve spent the morning watching YouTube, listening to a guy who preaches losing weight and curing cancer by fasting and a girl who did it for 54 days, then Jordan Peterson, Gary Vee, and some guy with a Ted Talk on procrastination trying to find something that will give me the magic answer of what to do with my life.

I think I had a shower Thursday. It’s 2:12 on Saturday. Really need to shower and get ready for my son and his girlfriend to bring dinner over. I need to start my diet and workout again after this weekend.


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