Struggle of the INTP Receptionist

“INTPs may struggle to find satisfaction with traditional careers choices. It can also make them reluctant to function as employees. They loathe the idea of answering to someone else and can have difficulty embracing an organization’s vision as their own…they are sensitive to what they see as the trivial or meaningless aspects of a given job. This is exacerbated by their innate skepticism, which impels them to question everything…those who find themselves performing people-oriented work often encounter difficulties. While INTPs may welcome human engagement in small quantities, too much will exhaust or frustrate them. They can quickly tire of having to placate people, especially in cases where it is inconvenient or emotionally taxing to do so. They may also find themselves longing for more time and solitude to independently, think, investigate, or create.” 100% spot on. So frustrated with myself for lack of early self-awareness and poor life planning.

https://personalityjunkie.com/intp-careers-jobs-majors/

 

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Thin Fat

This video isn’t as funny as it is just kind of sad and really relatable this past month as I’ve been contemplating the decision I made to accept a job at a medispa/plastic surgeon’s office. I was not excited about starting my new job. I had a bad feeling from the get go but I ignored it. At this new job – where they actually do the “plastic and poison in the face” this comedienne speaks of and many other such things like freezing away annoying fat bulges – a co-worker actually made a comment to the effect that women want to look a certain way based on standards set in women’s magazines, and we cater the that. The co-worker said this is her passion. And here I’ve been trying to get in shape going to Zumba and such. Trying to eat healthier. I don’t believe in botox, coolscupting, cosmetic surgery, or $150 anti-aging creams. I believe in drinking water, eating fruits and veggies, exercise, relaxation, sleep, having fun. I would never want to admit at work that I’ve used coconut oil and olive oil on my skin or that once I did a 6 months or so trial of using baking soda and vinegar in place of shampoo and conditioner. I’ve been at odds with myself ever since before I even went to the interview. I had told a friend “I don’t think I can work there on principle”. But then the interview seemed to go well. I got the offer. The money was decent. I figured I’d learn a lot of new and interesting things and maybe I’d feel differently about it all, get used to it. I had felt bad about my looks and my skin all through middle school, high school, and most of my twenties. Then I had a beautiful daughter. I finally started to see my own beauty reflected in her and feel comfortable with my looks. I had another beautiful daughter and I felt even more ok. I let my hair grow out gray for a year and felt pretty good about it until I got this job and felt like the gray made me look older and this place is about looking younger and suddenly I decided to dye my hair before I started the job. I bit off all of my nails after peeling off the acrylics I got to try to quit biting. I will never have the cheerful, outgoing, customer service voice to greet clients and discuss the best defense cream with them, or put them at ease about getting the laser treatment by describing my experience to them. This is someone’s dream job. The social interaction, the half price products and free or at cost services. Someone out there would be elated to have these perks – the laser Brazilian, armpit, and leg hair removal, the chemical peels, the lip filler and botox – but not me. I can’t fake interest for a paycheck. I can’t sell what I’m not interested in let alone passionate about, and especially what doesn’t align with my own personal values. I’ve felt uneasy about my decision to pursue and accept this job because in doing so, I have not been true to myself.

 

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Regrets as I approach 45

I will turn 45 soon and I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve lived my life thus far.

I’ve made horrible choices in my life, many of which have affected not only myself but others as well. I realize I’m not unique. One of my favorite series, “Being Erica”, centers around the main character trying to fix her present life by going back in time to change the things she did wrong on her list of regrets. There was also the show, “My name is Earl”. Earl had a list, too, of things he had to make right to reverse his bad karma.

I have my own list, many things I won’t share here specifically for the world to read. Though, it’s tempting and might be cathartic, some things publically confessed might hurt others and I might get sued. 😛 We all have some skeletons and I don’t feel like I have the right to pull other people’s out for display.

Let’s just say I’ve been a horrible person. And I’ve been a pretty damn good person. I’ve had times when I thought I could take on the world and do anything. I’ve also had many long bouts of deep depression. At times, I’ve thought I was all that and at times I’ve been insecure and thought very little of myself. I’ve gone from impatient clueless mother to the kind who’s gained strength and knowledge from having dealt with some shit.

But I’m a sucky friend.

Probably my top regret is pushing people away and cutting them from my life. One thing I’ve always had a problem with is recognizing when someone is a true friend to me. And another would be not letting people know what they mean to me for fear that they don’t feel the same about me. I’ve never assumed someone thinks of me as a friend, kind of like one would never assume someone is their boyfriend. A discussion has to happen. A question has to be asked, right?

I feel though like probably people think we’re friends and it’s just all in my head that we’re only acquaintances. Right?

I’m lazy. I want friendship to be easy. I want it to be like we’ve known each other for years and not have to do all the polite job interview/date-like getting to know you stuff.

I’ll comment on posts, I’ll text, I’ll be witty and have a fun sense of humor. I’ll say things are great and downplay or put a humorous spin on my problems so I don’t burden people. Until I actually explode with everything that’s bothering me and everyone downplays my problem for me or doesn’t say anything at all.

I’ll try to get together but I don’t take rejection well and if you’re busy once or twice, I probably won’t try again especially if you don’t suggest an alternative, I’ll just assume you’re not my friend because really, I have no idea. Especially if you never came out and said it.

Even if you’ve called me to talk about your man problems. Even if you’ve invited me to your birthday night out and my social anxiety gets the best of me, INTP that I am, and I cancel at the last minute. I’M still wondering if YOU’RE MY friend. Backwards as fuck, I know.

Ahhh… but. BUT BUT BUT. Maybe YOU didn’t know I was YOUR friend because I never said so?

One time, I went through something awful and when I finally told my acquaintance/neighbor/fellow new mom (who I thought of as a friend but didn’t know if she liked me as much so I backed off occasionally even though SHE approached ME) a week or so later after I dealt with the horrible thing, she asked me, “Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve been there for you. That’s what friends are FOR.”

That’s the first time in the two years I knew her that I realized she was my friend. And she was moving several states away in a matter of weeks.

Maybe it’s because I had had friends in high school who turned on me and took up bullying me. I had some who broke off friendships with me because their other friends didn’t like me. I came to believe my friendship was over if a friend got new frienda and I was insecure around their established friends. I had so called friends who just used me. I became very wary of people and the label “friend”. Also, if I did something that caused a friend to get mad at me, I assumed it was the end of the friendship and became standoffish. I had no conflict resolution skills.

Fast forward to today. I have for one reason or other pushed away everyone who ever resembled a friend, especially during the latter part of my adult life where social media has been a prominent fixture. Ive unfriended people, deleted my account, created a new one, re-added people, unfriended again…

It’s an immature move, I know. And hurtful to people who unbeknownst to me considered me their friend.

The reasons are many. You don’t really like me (you never comment or I’m always the initiator). You don’t invite me (but I see the pictures of you with your friends). You’re always busy when I invite you (see above). We always disagree. I love a debate, so that’s not a problem in itself. It’s when your posse comes out of the woodwork everytime and gangs up on me and my opinion. I lost the debate from the start just by debating you on such a biased platform as your page. And then the posse clamoring to support your latest drama. Which I should have been more sensitive about because it was not just a drama to you. I was a horrible friend.

You and the rest of these people were friends and I couldn’t see it.

I overlooked the friend who was the only one who responded when I reached out for help with Sarah.

I neglected to realize one friend was always busy because she was raising three younger kids practically alone as a military wife while also working toward her masters degree.

One person I consider a friend but never talk to outside of Facebook offered and provided a place for us to stay during a storm with a multiple day power outage. Very thankful for that.

Just a few examples.

 

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Roundabout Communication

He comes in from mowing the lawn and says he’s just taking a break to get a drink. He looks around at the floor and asks if I’ve swept yet (because the floor looks pretty clean but there are a couple things here and there). And I say “well not yet”, we both look at his shoes covered with grass and I add “but I’d rather not have to”. And before I have five seconds to get up and say I’ll get him a drink, he turns around and starts to head back out the door saying, “I can wait till I’m done.” I get up and I’m like “I can get you a drink…” and he stops and says “oh OK” and I go and get him a drink and I’m like “why would you think I wouldn’t get you a drink?” This is my husband, not my son by the way. I was literally just sitting on the couch with a basket of clothes sitting in front of me that I was going to start folding but I was just on my phone. I mean he’s mowing the lawn, he’s hot and he’s thirsty.. I care. It’s just so fucking weird like he doesn’t come out and say stuff, he talks in a roundabout way. He could’ve just walked in and said “hey do you mind grabbing me a glass of water?” Here he’s been bringing me coffee all morning, cooking breakfast, he did dishes before he cooked breakfast while I was lounging with Sarah, and he took a load down to put in the wash and brought up the load I was getting ready to fold. He is out there mowing the lawn and what kind of person have I been for him to think I won’t get him a drink or he can’t ask me to get him a drink? And like everything is said in a roundabout way like that. And sometimes it’s like he’s trying to ask me for help or something with Sarah but he’s says it by saying something to Sarah. Maybe I’m more like a guy where you have to ask me things directly. I don’t get hints (or I do but hate having to read between the lines), but given five seconds I was actually going to get up and get a drink for him (and did).. The whole communication style is just irritating.  Was it always like this? I don’t think so. Did I train him to be like this? It’s like a mom and kid thing and it’s gross. I want a husband not a kid. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard women say that, too, but then they go on treating  their husbands like kids. Am I really that controlling?  Because I’ve always told him I don’t even like it when someone asks him to go do something and he says “well let me check with the boss” meaning me. I told him early on I’ve always hated that term and he doesn’t have to check with me to see if he can do something I mean yeah do we have plans already is a good question to ask if he can’t remember, but he doesn’t have to ask for my permission to go out and do something. I don’t expect to be treated that way myself either and he doesn’t treat me that way. I can pretty much do whatever I want.  But anyway the whole communication thing. I’ve just noticed a pattern and it’s really irritating to have to play guessing games to figure out what he wants even when it’s something as simple to figure out as a drink of water. Or maybe he took the water but he actually wanted a beer?

 

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