Do you remember the moment you realized everyone who is a parent has had sex? And then you pictured them having sex together?
Your parents. Grandparents. Aunts and uncles. Friends’ parents. TV parents. All of them getting down and dirty in the sheets with each other. And then you remembered TV parents are just actors pretending to be people who have had sex together. You wanted to but just couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Dogs have sex, cats have sex. It’s a weird thing, sex. Because once you know about it, you think about it, because no one ever actually talks in detail about it and you never actually see it in real life. But you know you’ll do it someday.
You might eventually find out the box your dad keeps in his bathroom is full of Hustlers. Or you figure out what scrambled cable channels are or find one that isn’t scrambled. Or you find a stash of secret videotapes underneath all of the regular ones (preinternet).
You sneak out and crouch in the hallway while your parents are watching an R-rated movie and you see actors having pretend sex complete with rhythmic movements and sounds. You wonder if it’s really pretend and then you think about how weird it is that people get somewhat naked and pretend to have sex in front of a camera for what must be a very important part of this movie for it to be in there.
I even remember how awkward it felt the first time I became pregnant, when I was 19 and single and I imagined everyone I announced my pregnancy to–and then soon everyone who saw me and noticed my belly–was picturing me having sex.
I would think about people who I knew went to church–Christian women clutching their Bibles, Pentecostal women who wear their hair in buns and wear long denim skirts. People who never ever swear. They actually have sex too.
‘How do people like that have sex?’, I would wonder. Do they even get fully naked? Do they do it in the dark? How do they ask for it? Do they use euphemisms? Does ‘let’s go clean out the barn together, dear’ mean let’s go fuck?
Those religious families with 18 kid can’t possibly have time to fuck AND pray when they go to bed. Do you think they pray while fucking? Two birds, one stone. They must say ‘Oh God’ a few
times anyway, so it would make sense.
When they say, ‘We’ll pray for you’, do they really mean ‘we’ll fuck for you’?
“We have a lot of friends in need this week, dear. I think we should turn in early tonight.”